resistance is futile

i'm exhausted today, from refraining myself, from controlling my thoughts. trying i mean. for the whole day i felt as if i was trying to hold my breathe underwater. i used my own hands to force my head down.

at night i finally succumbed and dropped a message. followed by a call. then i wished i hadn't. it all amounts to nothing still.

at the end of the day i'm feeling much worse than before. my lungs feel deflated, caved in. i give up on the pretense of solidity. but u were already asleep.

i wish u had called.

then my phone rang. it was you, suddenly awake. could you hear the excitement in my voice? there was a different kind of breathlessness that i couldn't contain in me. it was a pathetic exchange of words muttered in half-slumber, but somehow i instantly felt better. it's all about you still.