the saddest photos ain't taken by me.
tonight, there's hatred. though not to you.
the words wouldn't come
i keep courting my own death
yet when on the brink, i refuse to die
and came back for more
enough is enough now
you've done too much hurt.
i would like to flee.
.
if u see me, don't.
this shouldn't be written.
but there are things that i dun wanna forget.
should you really need me one day,
i think, i'll still be here.
my dear dumdum,
i thought i'm fine and recovering. but talking to you brings back a torrent of memories. i felt the way i was feeling at my lowest point, i cried like i did all those months back. you haven't really left me at all. and that's why i can't talk to you. forgive me, forget me. you've made up your mind to leave, then just go and don't turn back. if you're truly and happily loving someone else, then you wouldn't have room nor need for me. you don't want to lose me completely, but i can't bear to lose you at all. i still find it so easy to say all the words that i couldn't say in the past: i love you and i miss you, and this pseudo life that i'm living now, is but a poor substitute for you.
hugs and silently now, goodbye.
your dumbass.
so shoo now,
my silent hugs
and your buried tears
the quiet kisses
you didn't know you had
under the blanket of your breaths
you lay awaiting
till sleep came
and took you away
still i leaned close
a whisper and a touch
too deep into your dreams
still whispering
when it's too late for words,
just silently now
as we turn our backs
in our shadows my hand holds
yours, till darkness is complete
i feel like crap sometimes.
like today and tomorrow.
february died and march was born.
can't remember how long it has been since we met. or talked. or whatever. what matters is that we are not, did not. time is probably secondary. don't want to leave a handle
in history to go back to.
yet another 29th passed quietly by. i'd be surprised if you felt differently. or did u managed to surprise yourself?
by untampered fate, i caught The Leap Years today. it's crap, but the date, which is the main protagonist here, and certain scenes are just, in a way.. too close for comfort, too personal to brush away the emotions that the movie attempts to evoke.
and i saw your name in the credits at the end. as i sat there swallowed by the red plushy seat, what else could it be but an incredibly elaborate joke played on me.
the 29th day of the second month, which would have been our first; dare i use the word 'our' here? and as it is, another four years before that day and month is here again in the game of time.
but by then, there could be no need for memories.
24th Feb 2008, sunday after soccer.
beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep.
uncle, my godfather since i was 28 days old, passed away. the only time i shed a tear at someone's death in my life. sad to see auntie crying for her beloved husband at the deathbed, but she was so strong again after that. i love them both.
i'm the living form of melancholy now, just like that, fuckingly.
put on my earphones and put on some music, they went in thru my head and couldn't find an exit. delete the spam and read some blogs, end up visiting at my own. heavy the tombstone, where are the eulogies, no, i read my pages of death sentences instead, in reverse chronological order, not that it matters.
so fuckin tired, the whole of the last 27 hours, just an arbitrary number, but somewhere near i'm sure. still i seemingly gain vitality in such melancholy. on and on, undying the music plays.
i want my eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. do you remember? i carried you while you slept, while you're supposed to be watching, while i rub your feet, it was cold.
delete you. i can't remember to forget.
and the discriminating lily. which bin was it in, do i dare wonder. fuck me. lilies. fuck me.
i slept again after i woke
you came again in my dreams
i spotted you from behind
in your flowery dress and shoes
i walked away to the mirror
you went pass me to the toilet
i hung around and waited
you certainly took a while
i was hoping for another glimpse
i was hoping you won't spot me
then my dream ended
we left without goodbye
still, i'm glad we met
just go and don't turn back.
silently another scar tonight
through the window, through the screen
i shot the little girl
her face by the side
stare and i stare
were we really a key away
we once were, and an arm apart
now we're just, apart
someone is writing a message
i hope i dun press enter by accident
yet i hope that you know somehow.
i shot the little girl. you saw. yes i did
everything is still the same, just silently now.
without incident, except for the dreams at night.
I gave myself away, and then you called.
The knife that stabs at my heart remains mercilessly sharp.
I removed your name card from my well worn wallet. A glance brought it all back.
The words that you said to me half a year ago, in your faux chinese accent as you handed me the name card, lingers on morosely in my mind, "wo shi lee wei wei, qing duo duo zhi jiao!", and i burst out in laughters.
stab and slash.
I'm fine.
i merely shed one drop of tear tonight. it flows, like a scar that cuts from the edge of my right eye to the corner of my mouth, from a day in November three years ago to last August, and from then on till today. one smooth, winding drop. flowing like the deepest ocean. that's all. i'm still fine.
if i leave it on my face, can i taste it tomorrow?
2 more days.
the heaviness of calloused breath sunken between letters, the gasp for air after each full-stop; you can't tell anything from the frivolous look of words.
the rain outside wouldn't stop pouring, but it will stop sooner or later. the sky will run out of tears too.
i tried to remember the last few times that you called me on your own free will. sadly, it wasn't difficult.
you called to ask about places to bring your parents for dinner
you called to ask how to get to the chicken rice coffee shop
you called to ask where the polyclinic is
you called to ask how to direct the cab driver to your new place
then you will hang up.
i feel so special.
.
5 or 6pm. to pass you the present. you said you'll call after meeting your family. i knew you wouldn't. you didn't. you were somewhere else instead. 12.30am. i was waiting downstairs with the present for you. i told you a day ago. i told you it won't take long. but you wouldn't. you said you're tired. too tired to open the door and take the lift down and take the lift up. you sound irritated. i felt brutally wounded. it was so difficult. good thing the place was deserted. it became a farewell present.
the rain got heavier.
20 minutes on foot, 5 minutes on wheels, yet an eternity lies in between. The love you once had, you now treat like dirt. Are you being controlled, you gotta ask yourself. And you said you are sorry, one can hardly tell.
.
I couldn't say goodbye, couldn't look you in the eye. I forgot my last kiss, and you didn't remind. The saddest ending comes when the sky is full of stars and you're not by my side. You said tomorrow night, yet you know that your tomorrows and laters are lies after lies. So I lay on cold stone in the cold wind till the coldest clouds filled the starry night. In the end, the walk home on a broken foot was the easiest part.
.
To my dearest dumdum, i love you, and this is our goodbye.
it can be the simplest of thing, just half an hour or so to pass you whatever it is. why must you make it sound so difficult..? and to say good bye. you didn't even know.
misery prolonged.
i want to pack all the memories together, the words and the pictures and whatever that is left of us, and give them to you, should you one day find the need to remember. but i can't do it. can't look at them for long without turning away.
.
the mother threw away the disposable lunch box that i have been saving for months to keep the fried rice that i was still hoping to cook for you. and the spoon.
.
i will stop remembering, but i won't forget.
everyday there will be a time when i drift off into an abyss where distance is abstract and all that others could make out is the gaze of emptiness in my eyes.
this is the moment of all moments where i wonder in endless wonderment of how, in good time and with the simplest of words can i tell you very dearly, and i've always wanted to be able to tell you, in all honesty, that i love you.
because i do. and this is what you do when you really do. though nothing seems to happen even when i truly do. the sun still rises while my darkness looms, i can't see where or what i am gazing at, and every tomorrow still dreams of where today wouldn't or couldn't go.
this is the moment when i wish your laughters that swirls me round the world come from you in real time, still carrying the warmth of your breath that makes my ears tingle with fuzzy delight; not the coughing river of endless memories.
every day.
i want to pick up my phone and tell you.
but your phone seldom works these days.
it is morning, the tomorrow of yesterday, and i would like to sleep now.
I know you had chicken chop because I didn't hang up the phone after you thought you did.
My face pressed against the window grills, I looked across the street at where you should be. Right there. The clattering of the background noise sounded almost melodic. Occasionally, you waltzed in and out of my ear. My eyes will close as I hold the phone closer, straining to hear every single treble of your voice. I could feel you, the image nearly complete.
Didn't matter that I was running late for my appointment. In that moment, time was running in the past tense, a destination that I couldn't catch, anyway.
Six, seven minutes went on in this long distance call, till you got lucky, I hello-ed to a numbing white sheet of silence, and the signal was lost.
