it's 11am. i still can't sleep. i feel like i'm being tortured and abandoned, just waiting for a slow death. the head's spinning, the body is weak. something's burning where the heart ought to be.
i lost to a car today. it might as well have run me down, twice over. i wouldn't have known the difference. i feel deceived.. nothing hurts more than this. i was supposed to surprise you, but i got clobbered and robbed instead.
where are you really? your voice is indifferent. did it bother you at all? or how long had i been sitting there transfixing my eyes to the gate? how far i've travelled? did i even sleep? and where did i go? where am i now? nothing.
i try to close my eyes and the images come flooding back. minute by minute. scene by scene. there's a firm hand clutching my head, refusing to let me sleep.
my heart didn't change overnight. it was there all along, foolishly trying to protect, not love. but how fast yours did, and it's all my fault. where have we disappeared to in you? tell me, i'll put them back.
still you're nowhere to be found. later, you said. you sound cheerful elsewhere. later, i wait. minutes turn to hours. later, will it be too late?
and if i do see you later, what will i do? stretch a smile across the face? and you wonder why i've changed and became so charged with anger and frustration. my face weighs a thousand times heavier now with all the sadness in the world hanging on it.
regardless, i will still smile for you.
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