The heaviest heart.

Friday

I spent today with a heavy heart. Much heavier than usual. Every breathe that i take weigh a ton, slowly sinking in searching for the bottomless pit, refusing to rise. A heavy heart. It's no metaphor, I now know.

I walked round and round today hoping that you'll turn up in front of me somehow, so that I can pass you my little handicraft. After hours, i felt irritated with myself. fucking dumbass. As if a card will change anything, it's not even pretty.

Then quietly, you were gone.

.

If this is heaven's idea of a joke, it has gone on way too far. The brother in quiet grieving, and the sister's wedding is tomorrow. Smiling faces everywhere. Will I look inconspicuous beside the pillar? Somehow I must contain these gloomy days of my life and learn to smile for a day, for the day of her life. I've hardly helped out much with her wedding stuff and I've no idea what's going on tomorrow. I haven't been a good brother or son. Or anything.

I was hoping to bring you to the wedding. You know..

Have to wake up really early later. 7am. My eyes usually can't close at this time. I forced myself to go for a run just now, hoping that it'll tire me out enough to sleep early. And run off the heavy heart, running makes one feel lighter. But it didn't work. 25m 11s. I'm surprised I lasted that long. Lie down and hope for the best.

The last time I smiled was on thursday midnight thereabout, at you. The last time I heard genuine laughters from my voice.. there was no last time. Been way too long.