Please leave a name

I wonder who reads my blog. Today I would really like to know you.
I've been getting quite a number of visits lately. Seems like everyone loves a sad story.

So do me a favour. Click on .. "1 raised hands" at the end of this post and leave me a message.

if we're acquainted in someway, please leave a name that's identifiable by me.
If we're not, kindly tell me how you ended up here. I'm curious.

i know nine out of ten of you monkeys will read this and not do anything. Even if you know that I know you, write something anyway. Even if you're my mother, give me a shock anyway. Even if you can't be bothered, treat it as an act of kindness, anyway.

thanks.

why

.

why is sadness everywhere in me?

For you

Tuesday midnight, early Wednesday morning

26 September 2007 00:22:00.
I held you in my arms.
I'll always remember this second of my life for you.

Dark waters

when too much was on my mind, and i wondered where you were

If I lie on the sea
  and drift with the tides
Will it carry me back
  to the beginnings?

A full moon cuts into the night
  hear the currents an uneven rhyme
One after another
  plight upon plight
They wait for me
  to join their ranks

Will you cry
  if I plunge a knife
into this cancerous heart

Or will you
  save it like the shooting star
That you so longed for

This heart
  this very heart
to which you first gave life


not since the august of this year, have i slept in peace.
when can i dream of you again and not wake up, missing

A thousand times over

This is a tragic love story.

When she loved, he couldn't find his. How she waited, and how he searched, the future was never clear.

He tried hard to love back, too hard perhaps, and never realised how happy he already was. One day there was a silly incident, a moment of folly and he ended things.

Then he gradually found his long dead heart and the feelings that he held, long suppressed by shadows lurking from the past. He found love, his and theirs, and wanted to embrace her as always, tell her what she had waited to hear all along. But suddenly her heart was dead, she told him. Lost, perhaps to someone else. She won't change her mind, he can't change the story's ending.

When she loved, he couldn't find his.
When he finally did, she had already lost hers.

He believes she hasn't forgotten it all, yet she refuses to acknowledge whatever floundering feelings that flies in her heart. She thinks it's not fair to whoever. But is it fair to themselves, the long suffering hearts? He will keep holding on to the pen, but will she ever change this tragic love story?..

If there's someone who loves you wholeheartedly, but you can't love back, give yourself a slap. If your heart doesn't change, give yourself another slap and think again, feel again. If you finally love back but it's already too late, you'd have wished you had slapped and questioned yourself a thousand times before.

I did. I searched and asked myself for 21 months, but still I was one slap and a step too late. Now I can't say enough I love yous.

The moon can set the sun can rise the stars can die for all i care, but if you say yes but will be late, you know I'll always wait.

168 + 32

Before the lantern glows and sparklers dance.

I hold and caress your head with my hand, you adjusted my arm for a better fit. You leaned onto me and fell back into sleep. I buried my face in your hair and breathed in your scent, fresh air for a wilted strand of grass. I stroked your arm and stole kisses from you, I hope you pretended not to know. For that fleeting moment which is never long enough, I felt whole again.

My most memorable journey. The one that I hoped ambles along the road on and on forever without needing a destination, for sitting there with you in my arms, I know I've reached mine.

The heaviest heart.

Friday

I spent today with a heavy heart. Much heavier than usual. Every breathe that i take weigh a ton, slowly sinking in searching for the bottomless pit, refusing to rise. A heavy heart. It's no metaphor, I now know.

I walked round and round today hoping that you'll turn up in front of me somehow, so that I can pass you my little handicraft. After hours, i felt irritated with myself. fucking dumbass. As if a card will change anything, it's not even pretty.

Then quietly, you were gone.

.

If this is heaven's idea of a joke, it has gone on way too far. The brother in quiet grieving, and the sister's wedding is tomorrow. Smiling faces everywhere. Will I look inconspicuous beside the pillar? Somehow I must contain these gloomy days of my life and learn to smile for a day, for the day of her life. I've hardly helped out much with her wedding stuff and I've no idea what's going on tomorrow. I haven't been a good brother or son. Or anything.

I was hoping to bring you to the wedding. You know..

Have to wake up really early later. 7am. My eyes usually can't close at this time. I forced myself to go for a run just now, hoping that it'll tire me out enough to sleep early. And run off the heavy heart, running makes one feel lighter. But it didn't work. 25m 11s. I'm surprised I lasted that long. Lie down and hope for the best.

The last time I smiled was on thursday midnight thereabout, at you. The last time I heard genuine laughters from my voice.. there was no last time. Been way too long.

Listen to me

it takes a day to like someone and a day to forget

it takes tears to love someone and leaves eternity for regrets

listen to my words. you know i mean it.

listen to your heart. hear the whispers, don't hide.

.

i can't watch another film like i used to.
i heard myself in the cinema last night. it was horrible. the murderer spoke my words. he got redemption from his wife. i didn't.

The Dead Girl. The dialog was spot on.

silent night

the nights are the worst.

after so long, i really do know. the nights are cruel. the nights force you to say good bye. they leave you all alone. the nights bring silence, silenced off the world and leave you to grief for all. silence so loud, it hurts. silence so silent and so loud. you hear your heartbeat, beating the ailing heart. you hear your sadness and the sighs, crashing waves after waves down against your left chamber, north of your artery.

You also try to hear, somewhere in the distant east, whether the other heart sings the same story. silence bridges the distance. you recognise the rhythm of her breathing. remember it even, for life. Sleeping, she may be, but listen. Sleep my share for me. The sleeping heart speaks what the stubborn mind wouldn't hear. Is this what you really want? can you hear your whispering doubts?

I can sit with you and listen. Listen to each other's heart. You hear them the clearest, in the silence of the night.

.

Midnight of 20th September '07
I'll always remember tonight

Our Novembers

thinking of you
the world askew
don't you remember
the sweet novembers?

and yet another.

and yet another night gone. one after another they are filled with disappointment, the friend of silence. will the time ever be right? i had last night, and i ruined it with impatience. Why did i ever get off that bus? too angry, too flustered to think. Clarity of thought isn't a strength of mine at this moment, and it can't be, not when it's swirling all the time with memories of you.

.

and i wrote something else.

.
deeply yours

Damn green umbrella

sunday. bloody sunday.
the mother of all screw ups.
stabbed myself in the foot today.
mightily pissed with how everything turned out.
arghhhhhhh fuck.
FUCK


i should learn to lie sometimes.

save tonight

In the closet of your heart,
Can you save tonight
the way I will,
Surely you remember
us, we are so real?

~~~~~

i lifted her head
she looked at me and said
hold me darling just a little while
I held her close
I kissed her our last kiss
I've found the girl that I knew I have missed
well now she's gone
even though i hold her tight
i've lost my love my life that night.

you

you used to ask the same question
i'll look away, said i wouldn't know.
how i pray now that you'll ask again
for i can't wait to say that i always will

That day.

29th Nov 2005, Tuesday.
Do you remember that day?
I looked so dumb.. and you were so happy.
Will there be another happy day for us?

I can't turn back the time, I can't undo all the hurt.
I can't give the words that I should, nor the kisses that I could.
But you know now that if I can, then I surely, surely would.


If we only try..

Will you close my eyes

I'm tired. I just want to lie down and sleep. But I dare not. For I know when I close my eyes and darkness engulfs me, all that separates my mind from your face is emptiness. And I still can't sleep.


epilogue
~~~~~~~~~

Naomi said, "u spent so much time writing yet write so short. u wrote for so long yet so short."

[ meepok man ] says:
yeah
[ meepok man ] says:
so long yet so short
[ meepok man ] says:
like how it turned out man
[ meepok man ] says:
so it's very apt

As it happened

i am so cold i shivered, under the midday sun.
warmth can come from, the double barreled gun.

~~~~

what am i having, a char siew bun
more than enough, for a winter lunch.

~~~~

as it happened.

the night always go quiet
unreachable
the silence deafening.

I don't want to.

Each time you have to leave,
I want to have you in tight embrace,
like we always, used to, do.
Yet as I remember your anguished face
that crestfallen night,
It seems more merciful to turn,
and just wave goodbye.

my phone

What are you doing?

nothing. waiting for a call. that will never come.

Why don't you call then?

did.

oh.. Is that why you keep looking at your phone?

It's all about you

My dear old friend Zhiyong left a message on my board -
"Orbit: A writer said that the saddest man writes the best words. Ironically, I see your writings now surpassing much of before. Sometimes I wish you don't write so well."

As I was replying, I started thinking about all the stuff i've written on my blog. Over the last two years, there has been nothing worth a mention that I've written, everything seemed sterile and safe, starved of sadness. Indeed the quietest period since I started a blog, a diary almost 8 years ago.

And thinking back on these two years, not coincidentally spent with you, it seems so clear now that the reason I wrote nothing is because I was happy. I was quietly leading a happy and blissful life that I was unaware of.

And today I finally understand why.. the reason is you.


hugs,
your dumbass

I feel like the person I love most in my life died and a huge part of me died along with it and there's no one left to comfort me. No hugs, no kisses, no calls, no kind words. Now I tell the whole world that I love you, I can't say it enough, but there's no one left to listen. The world has become a colder place.

Have you ever died like that?

Now I know how it feels when a loving husband causes the death of his beloved wife. I am both criminal and sufferer. We share the same grief. I can write for a thousand and one days yet it will never be enough to express how I feel now. Life is impossible to go on. There is nothing left except for a permanent throb of pain in the heart.

your voice keeps ringing in my head.
i can't help it.

days after getting my new specs, my vision is blurring and i dunno why. i look around the train station today and there are things that I just can't see clearly.

is this the side effect of too much grief?

oh fuck.. i lost two kg in a week.
not eating really helps in slimming.

i better find some food

~~~~~

after saying so much.. how come she still don't understand what I wanted?
I asked for kway teow soup.. and got something entirely different instead.
I took it and walked away.

i'll also remember this as the period in life where I totally lost interest in food.

i wrote a lot today. everywhere.

the boundaries between a day and the next is no longer clear. i live through time like an immortal. I hear the birds sleep and i hear them wake. I close my eyes with the sun bearing through my curtains, through my eyelids. Sometimes I eat to entertain.

Today, or yesterday, I can't be sure, the night ended like how the morning did. absymal. ominous. not encouraging. Lose the anger, the remaining sane bit of me says.

There is hope yet to come and feelings yet to go. One can never be too sure and we can only try.

looking back the past 2 years, i'm disgusted with how blind and foolish I am.

is this my karma relived, coming back to haunt me and slit my throat? it's all my own doing.

every single second with you now is priceless
every single conversation we have is treasured
every single hug i'll give the tightest
every single touch carries my whole heart
for every single everything could well be the last
i'm a man on death row.

it's 11am. i still can't sleep. i feel like i'm being tortured and abandoned, just waiting for a slow death. the head's spinning, the body is weak. something's burning where the heart ought to be.

i lost to a car today. it might as well have run me down, twice over. i wouldn't have known the difference. i feel deceived.. nothing hurts more than this. i was supposed to surprise you, but i got clobbered and robbed instead.

where are you really? your voice is indifferent. did it bother you at all? or how long had i been sitting there transfixing my eyes to the gate? how far i've travelled? did i even sleep? and where did i go? where am i now? nothing.

i try to close my eyes and the images come flooding back. minute by minute. scene by scene. there's a firm hand clutching my head, refusing to let me sleep.

my heart didn't change overnight. it was there all along, foolishly trying to protect, not love. but how fast yours did, and it's all my fault. where have we disappeared to in you? tell me, i'll put them back.

still you're nowhere to be found. later, you said. you sound cheerful elsewhere. later, i wait. minutes turn to hours. later, will it be too late?

and if i do see you later, what will i do? stretch a smile across the face? and you wonder why i've changed and became so charged with anger and frustration. my face weighs a thousand times heavier now with all the sadness in the world hanging on it.

regardless, i will still smile for you.

Can you let go?.. Can you live without breathing?

Have you ever seen despair and desperation in a man's eyes? I did today.

can you feel it?

Sean Penn in I Am Sam reminded me about love, a different kind, but love nonetheless, in some heart-wrenching scenes.

And I get an excuse to shed tears through the night..

the night time is the worse, when the streets are quiet. i sit in the middle of the room staring at four mute walls, breathing the sadness the sleeping world left behind for me.

my hello rings through the air, no echoes, no feedback. even the hot-line is dead.

Today I learned a new word from Dictionary.com's Word Of The Day.

maudlin \MAWD-lin\, adjective:
Tearfully or excessively sentimental.

I'm sure it will come in useful someday.

He and she made a great pair, as do morose and maudlin on days when he flips through photos of his long dead spouse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mother bought me a donut. It was so fucking sweet I put it down after the first bite. there's enough grated sugar there for about 3 cups of tea. I don't like donuts.

the randomness

Here the rain comes, again and again today, as if trying to wash clean the tainted spots on earth, and from lives, emotions that went wrong.

The mother is a difficult role that too often, becomes a role difficult to live with.

J.M. Coetzee is simply a brilliant writer. Be a main character. Otherwise what is life for.

Still overdue. I owe the library a fortune.

Less than 3 weeks left to the sister's wedding. I'm still not sure what's going on. I am positive that I will dread the wedding dinner. I am still of the opinion that wedding banquets are big suckers of everything.

Something's wrong with the left shoulder. Right knee acting up again so I couldn't do the short run that day.

British films night

I compensated for the irritations caused by Shinobi by watching another two films from my treasure vault, yes I have many many more. Picked because of their shorter runtime, both coincidentally share themes about the harsher but very real sides of life, of people we choose not to see sometimes, and are both set in London.

London to Brighton is good. I like British films, and French.

Dirty Pretty Thing is very good, and Chiwetel Ejiofor the black man outstanding as Okwe the Nigerian illegal immigrant. Just realised it's a British film as well, directed by Stephen Frears, the same man behind the more recent The Queen. Thumbs Up.

no need for a title

1st September 2007. Saturday.

Worst day in my life for the last two years. Even Liverpool's 6-0 drubbing of Derby couldn't lift me up. That's how bad it is. Well at least they didn't top off the terrible day in equally befitting manner.

1st September 2007. The preceding days were almost as bad. I could feel the devils coming yet I was helpless, just waiting for something, or nothing, waiting for the blow to strike me fully where it hurts. And it did.

After two years I said hi to james blunt again. he understands.

the man who knew too much, yet too little.

And the intent, as we now know it, then why save the goodbyes?

i feel betrayed.

a reversal of roles that came so swiftly. the feelings of being shut out, i hated it. leaves an aching after taste.

never suspect that i still have the heart and emotions in me, not until recently at least. perhaps there was love all along, love that chose to lurk beneath an impenetrable layer of icy cold whatever. and it emerged to face all the wrong reasons. emerged in a blaze of gloom. like a murderous acquaintance i once knew.

another harpoon through the heart of a vanishing species. what more is there left?

waiting

sometimes i sit around too long waiting for nothing to happen