musing

Act intellectual.
Read a postcard on the train.

The why to my heart

have i forgotten how it felt to feel
my love, the feeling once so strong of sweet sorrow
it was everywhere, the words i wrote, the tears i laid,
the joy you gave.
it was there, i know. And remembered it clearly, before i lost you.
mi_lanel, budding rose of my formative years,
of you, my decade of decadence


Years of wilderness (fallen)


Then from nowhere it came back again, so strange, so swift.
Feli they call her. Pebbles, as she was known to me.
She called, I answered, we talked, and fell.
Fell into that familiar feeling I used to dread,
of fearing that tomorrow will arrive without her in it.
That was a love that was wrong, yet so perfect.
For surely, good things don't come so fast and sudden,
took my breath away.
And they don't.
She left, and i could not comprehend,
the perfect stranger that we became.
nor the joke that heaven made of me.


days of derelict.


Strength came upon me one day,
I know not how.
I put you away, in my
locked closet of memories.
Along with the book of us,
words and images i carefully kept,
the final chapter that i wrote for you.

I wasn't sad, suddenly.
Like i leashed my heart to a heavy rock,
the equi-weight of you in my heart,
and heaved it overboard
into a sea unknown.

Down without a splash,
no last words of condolences.
Numb, but for that occasional spray
of fine mist from yesterdays.


Forgotten.


So forgive me, forgive me
this life void of passion
dead avenues that gently ambles along
to great plains of emptiness

empty

somehow, today is an empty day.
yet another one of those countless repertoire when seconds and hours stream past

tell me, what have i done?

i wonder about the sequel to yester-night, oh sweet.

i can't figure out where tomorrow's tomorrow may rise from.

so tell me, is this a bad day, or is it another of my every day.

Last chance

Dear Lecturers,

It is with much regret that I write this email, seeing as predictably, I have failed in squeezing into any of the photography modules till now.

However, what is even sadder and more disheartening is that among the clutch of lucky students in your classes, some are taking the subject simply because there is no exam for it. I do know of a couple of them at least. Such criminal attitudes are robbing students like me and a great many others who are genuinely interested in photography of a chance to learn. We can but curse and swear and write emails in vain.

What else can I do?
Nothing I'm afraid. I'm eating sour grapes.
What else can you do, you ask.
I'm not sure either.
Yet it would be wrong if I just complain and not offer solutions.

1. Interview them. It may sound impractical or impossible, but the thought of an interview will scare away at least half of the imposters.
2. Request for portfolio. Same reason as above.
3. Make them take an entrance exam. Students who are interested will know at least a bit of the basics.
4. Request for a nominal studio or equipment fee. You can always waive it for poor students like me.
5. State that there's an exam in the timetable. Then on Week 12, announce that it is cancelled.
6. Kick out those who don't pay attention in class.

I check the class indexes for vacancies 50 times a day. The result is as constant and dampening as the rain.
Can you kick out someone and put me in your class, please?

Yours sincerely,
-name-
9001xxxx

ps: This email was written under a mix of frustration and despair. Should I sound rude in any manners, I sincerely apologise. In any case, this should be the last of my incessant emails as it is also my final semester here. Thank you for your kind attention.

something

i think something is going to happen.

《明日歌》

《明日歌》
清 钱福《鹤滩集》

明日复明日，明日何其多，
我生待明日，万事成蹉跎。
世人若被明日累，春去秋来老将至。
朝看水东流，暮看日西坠。
百年明日能几何，请君听我明日歌。

Somehow I've always remembered part of this, from many and many a year ago, while cramming in my higher chinese textbook, yet not being able to understand much. You learn as you age, and things just flow back to you sometimes. Upon reflections, how meaningful all these seems, yet reflections can never bring back the passing of time.

and I found other variations as well. For Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday.

《今日歌》
明 文嘉

今日复今日，今日何其少！
今日又不为，此事何时了！
人生百年几今日，今日不为真可惜！
若言姑待明朝至，明朝又有明朝事。
为君聊赋今日诗，努力请从今日始。

明日歌
文嘉
明日复明日，明日何其多！
日日待明日，万世成蹉跎。
世人皆被明日累，明日无穷老将至。
晨昏滚滚水流东，今古悠悠日西坠。
百年明日能几何？请君听我《明日歌》。

昨日诗
佚名者
昨日兮昨日，昨日何其好！
昨日过去了，今日徒懊恼。
世人但知悔昨日，不觉今日又过了。
水去日日流，花落日日少，
成事立业在今日，莫待明朝悔今朝.

a piece of shit

Right now I feel like doing anything but my FYP. If I can end it off just there and then and settle for a B grade, I'll jump for it. But the truth is, I'll prolly be sentenced to a D, if i'm lucky. Having FYP, is like living in a guillotine. Every week I do just enough to stop the blade from dropping.

I'm in the library at 6.30pm on the first week of school. It's pretty peaceful.. puts one in the studious mood. Maybe i can live with it. yeah.



Anyway, am back from Krabi. More on that later.

Happy Anniversary

I remembered the day before it was due. On the day though, somehow I forgot about it, busy with mahjong i suspect. But still, it's a day worth remembering.

On 30th Dec 1999, i wrote this on Diaryland.



2007 hence enters my 8th year of blogging, or just an online diary as it was called, once upon a time..

Happy Anniversary