Please leave a name

I wonder who reads my blog. Today I would really like to know you.
I've been getting quite a number of visits lately. Seems like everyone loves a sad story.

So do me a favour. Click on .. "1 raised hands" at the end of this post and leave me a message.

if we're acquainted in someway, please leave a name that's identifiable by me.
If we're not, kindly tell me how you ended up here. I'm curious.

i know nine out of ten of you monkeys will read this and not do anything. Even if you know that I know you, write something anyway. Even if you're my mother, give me a shock anyway. Even if you can't be bothered, treat it as an act of kindness, anyway.

thanks.

why

.

why is sadness everywhere in me?

For you

Tuesday midnight, early Wednesday morning

26 September 2007 00:22:00.
I held you in my arms.
I'll always remember this second of my life for you.

Dark waters

when too much was on my mind, and i wondered where you were

If I lie on the sea
  and drift with the tides
Will it carry me back
  to the beginnings?

A full moon cuts into the night
  hear the currents an uneven rhyme
One after another
  plight upon plight
They wait for me
  to join their ranks

Will you cry
  if I plunge a knife
into this cancerous heart

Or will you
  save it like the shooting star
That you so longed for

This heart
  this very heart
to which you first gave life


not since the august of this year, have i slept in peace.
when can i dream of you again and not wake up, missing

A thousand times over

This is a tragic love story.

When she loved, he couldn't find his. How she waited, and how he searched, the future was never clear.

He tried hard to love back, too hard perhaps, and never realised how happy he already was. One day there was a silly incident, a moment of folly and he ended things.

Then he gradually found his long dead heart and the feelings that he held, long suppressed by shadows lurking from the past. He found love, his and theirs, and wanted to embrace her as always, tell her what she had waited to hear all along. But suddenly her heart was dead, she told him. Lost, perhaps to someone else. She won't change her mind, he can't change the story's ending.

When she loved, he couldn't find his.
When he finally did, she had already lost hers.

He believes she hasn't forgotten it all, yet she refuses to acknowledge whatever floundering feelings that flies in her heart. She thinks it's not fair to whoever. But is it fair to themselves, the long suffering hearts? He will keep holding on to the pen, but will she ever change this tragic love story?..

If there's someone who loves you wholeheartedly, but you can't love back, give yourself a slap. If your heart doesn't change, give yourself another slap and think again, feel again. If you finally love back but it's already too late, you'd have wished you had slapped and questioned yourself a thousand times before.

I did. I searched and asked myself for 21 months, but still I was one slap and a step too late. Now I can't say enough I love yous.

The moon can set the sun can rise the stars can die for all i care, but if you say yes but will be late, you know I'll always wait.

168 + 32

Before the lantern glows and sparklers dance.

I hold and caress your head with my hand, you adjusted my arm for a better fit. You leaned onto me and fell back into sleep. I buried my face in your hair and breathed in your scent, fresh air for a wilted strand of grass. I stroked your arm and stole kisses from you, I hope you pretended not to know. For that fleeting moment which is never long enough, I felt whole again.

My most memorable journey. The one that I hoped ambles along the road on and on forever without needing a destination, for sitting there with you in my arms, I know I've reached mine.

The heaviest heart.

Friday

I spent today with a heavy heart. Much heavier than usual. Every breathe that i take weigh a ton, slowly sinking in searching for the bottomless pit, refusing to rise. A heavy heart. It's no metaphor, I now know.

I walked round and round today hoping that you'll turn up in front of me somehow, so that I can pass you my little handicraft. After hours, i felt irritated with myself. fucking dumbass. As if a card will change anything, it's not even pretty.

Then quietly, you were gone.

.

If this is heaven's idea of a joke, it has gone on way too far. The brother in quiet grieving, and the sister's wedding is tomorrow. Smiling faces everywhere. Will I look inconspicuous beside the pillar? Somehow I must contain these gloomy days of my life and learn to smile for a day, for the day of her life. I've hardly helped out much with her wedding stuff and I've no idea what's going on tomorrow. I haven't been a good brother or son. Or anything.

I was hoping to bring you to the wedding. You know..

Have to wake up really early later. 7am. My eyes usually can't close at this time. I forced myself to go for a run just now, hoping that it'll tire me out enough to sleep early. And run off the heavy heart, running makes one feel lighter. But it didn't work. 25m 11s. I'm surprised I lasted that long. Lie down and hope for the best.

The last time I smiled was on thursday midnight thereabout, at you. The last time I heard genuine laughters from my voice.. there was no last time. Been way too long.

Listen to me

it takes a day to like someone and a day to forget

it takes tears to love someone and leaves eternity for regrets

listen to my words. you know i mean it.

listen to your heart. hear the whispers, don't hide.

.

i can't watch another film like i used to.
i heard myself in the cinema last night. it was horrible. the murderer spoke my words. he got redemption from his wife. i didn't.

The Dead Girl. The dialog was spot on.

silent night

the nights are the worst.

after so long, i really do know. the nights are cruel. the nights force you to say good bye. they leave you all alone. the nights bring silence, silenced off the world and leave you to grief for all. silence so loud, it hurts. silence so silent and so loud. you hear your heartbeat, beating the ailing heart. you hear your sadness and the sighs, crashing waves after waves down against your left chamber, north of your artery.

You also try to hear, somewhere in the distant east, whether the other heart sings the same story. silence bridges the distance. you recognise the rhythm of her breathing. remember it even, for life. Sleeping, she may be, but listen. Sleep my share for me. The sleeping heart speaks what the stubborn mind wouldn't hear. Is this what you really want? can you hear your whispering doubts?

I can sit with you and listen. Listen to each other's heart. You hear them the clearest, in the silence of the night.

.

Midnight of 20th September '07
I'll always remember tonight

Our Novembers

thinking of you
the world askew
don't you remember
the sweet novembers?

and yet another.

and yet another night gone. one after another they are filled with disappointment, the friend of silence. will the time ever be right? i had last night, and i ruined it with impatience. Why did i ever get off that bus? too angry, too flustered to think. Clarity of thought isn't a strength of mine at this moment, and it can't be, not when it's swirling all the time with memories of you.

.

and i wrote something else.

.
deeply yours

Damn green umbrella

sunday. bloody sunday.
the mother of all screw ups.
stabbed myself in the foot today.
mightily pissed with how everything turned out.
arghhhhhhh fuck.
FUCK


i should learn to lie sometimes.

save tonight

In the closet of your heart,
Can you save tonight
the way I will,
Surely you remember
us, we are so real?

~~~~~

i lifted her head
she looked at me and said
hold me darling just a little while
I held her close
I kissed her our last kiss
I've found the girl that I knew I have missed
well now she's gone
even though i hold her tight
i've lost my love my life that night.

you

you used to ask the same question
i'll look away, said i wouldn't know.
how i pray now that you'll ask again
for i can't wait to say that i always will

That day.

29th Nov 2005, Tuesday.
Do you remember that day?
I looked so dumb.. and you were so happy.
Will there be another happy day for us?

I can't turn back the time, I can't undo all the hurt.
I can't give the words that I should, nor the kisses that I could.
But you know now that if I can, then I surely, surely would.


If we only try..

Will you close my eyes

I'm tired. I just want to lie down and sleep. But I dare not. For I know when I close my eyes and darkness engulfs me, all that separates my mind from your face is emptiness. And I still can't sleep.


epilogue
~~~~~~~~~

Naomi said, "u spent so much time writing yet write so short. u wrote for so long yet so short."

[ meepok man ] says:
yeah
[ meepok man ] says:
so long yet so short
[ meepok man ] says:
like how it turned out man
[ meepok man ] says:
so it's very apt

As it happened

i am so cold i shivered, under the midday sun.
warmth can come from, the double barreled gun.

~~~~

what am i having, a char siew bun
more than enough, for a winter lunch.

~~~~

as it happened.

the night always go quiet
unreachable
the silence deafening.

I don't want to.

Each time you have to leave,
I want to have you in tight embrace,
like we always, used to, do.
Yet as I remember your anguished face
that crestfallen night,
It seems more merciful to turn,
and just wave goodbye.