two weeks and hurting, that should be a hairline fracture on one of my metatarsals, possibly the first or second, on my left foot. hope it heals by itself.
same for my old ligament injury above the right ankle. soreness and some swelling persists on.
same for the broken parts elsewhere. that should be permanent.
and it wasn't to get your sympathy.
My forehead feels heavy with sporadic twitches due to the recent build up of muscular mass from excessive frowning in a blood culling effort to prevent constant thoughts of the emptiest, saddest kind.
the dream was so painful i couldn't sleep again.
somewhat breathless. i turned off my fan. the right eye feels sore. i don't remember rubbing it. i touched it. watery remains. get away from the dream. is that why i'm sitting here on the chair, curtains down, not knowing what to do. hiding in daylight.
i've lost all sleep. where has it gone to, where did my baby go. at least i saw you there. you look beautiful. but not for me.
a piece of square trying to pass through a circle, or is it the other way round. i exist merely as the great clattering, the obstruction in between.
or did i secretly wake up to wait for your reply from last night.
almost an hour. dare i go back now.
there are no question marks because there will be no answers.
like an overused SketchIt pad, no amount of erasing can remove the last remaining image.
chest is tight. i can't breathe again.
4am. it's the same time.
i remember i coughed and spluttered.
but you only wanted to say goodbye.
i want to sleep my life away
what will i be waking up to?
a day of haunting memories
and a night of broken words
oh please let me sleep,
let me escape for a little while
and when i do wake
tell me i'm in the November of '05
I have no wish to make you
the bearer of my pain.
here I go now, here it rains
and tomorrows come, with great disdain
silent night
broken morning
and a silent night
it wasn't much
but even that bit
was out of touch.
.
i don't blame you
just upset at how things turned out.
i feel like a beggar who's just waiting and waiting everyday to pick up the scraps. sometimes, there's a little something. but mostly, there's nothing at all.
.
where is the smile in your voice
or the kindness in your touch
wasn't it only yesterday when
we playfully nudged
the smile in your voice lights a thousand sunset
where and when have i heard that voice before,
it wasn't today or the week just passed; silent dusk
will it be tomorrow and its tomorrow, that's my simple ask.
so call me and smile at me,
smile at me and tell me,
words with a sunset view
just a simple how are you.
tired. of a lot of things. physically. mentally. emotionally.
how did i screw up my life so badly? it's like a giant step towards depression. though i'm still sane enough to say that i'm not entirely depressed. not yet.
waiting for something, someone, is one of the worst thing in life that one can choose to do. you never know when they will turn up. sometimes they can't. sometimes they dun want to. though when such stuttering moments do come by, you subconsciously try frantically to squeeze in as many words as you can within the preallocated five minutes. and inevitably at the premature end of the conversation comes the two words that you never ever want to say. but you always have to utter them anyhow.
if time can be purchased, i'll buy you some.
about three lifetime's worth.
i'm exhausted today, from refraining myself, from controlling my thoughts. trying i mean. for the whole day i felt as if i was trying to hold my breathe underwater. i used my own hands to force my head down.
at night i finally succumbed and dropped a message. followed by a call. then i wished i hadn't. it all amounts to nothing still.
at the end of the day i'm feeling much worse than before. my lungs feel deflated, caved in. i give up on the pretense of solidity. but u were already asleep.
i wish u had called.
then my phone rang. it was you, suddenly awake. could you hear the excitement in my voice? there was a different kind of breathlessness that i couldn't contain in me. it was a pathetic exchange of words muttered in half-slumber, but somehow i instantly felt better. it's all about you still.
it feels so cold all over again.
a thousand questions and no answers.
can blue birds sing and flowers bloom when your sun don't shine
can you feel the soft caress of late night breezes when your windows are closed
do you only miss the flowers and fingertips when they are gone
to have all the riches in the world yet without time or love to spend with, will you realise only too late that the world is too full of fools poorer than the happy poor
.
it's already 3am.
my windows are opened, my flowers sit in eternal bloom. i am learning to sing a forgotten tune. will you sit with me, and listen?
this is my concert for you and you alone.
I'm glad I was locked in my room when it happened, shielded by the four walls closing in on me. So swift and sudden, everything that I've been trying to put down for so long all came together in a gust and washed me out. Every bits and pieces of pain and grief, swallowed down in strength and bravery, re-visited me, swept pass me, through me, coursing through every single vein and arteries inside of me, this flaccid bag of emotions. swamped over, i was powerless. it was ruthless.
you answered, but i was choked. could barely say goodbye.
Did i surprise you that I lasted this long?
It's a simple life you and I dream of. Must it be so complicated?
I feel chained up at home, stifled and muffled. A cage with an open lock. Yet when I step out, i find myself in an even bigger cage that is the world. Life is a punishment right now.
where are you?
