sometimes i just feel so bloody lost.
i'm running out of places to hide,
let the feelings hunt but not find me.

the burn in my eyes.

this is the morning of 30th Nov, in the wake of 29th. i feared its coming, a day of two funerals. one for you, and another for me, my long suffering heart.

stephen my friend.. your passing hits me harder than I'd have thought, given that we were not the closest of friends. yet tonight I shed tears for you. can't quite bring myself to write much of you yet. the day when i visit Anfield, our spiritual home, I will lay a flower for you upon Shankly Gates.

and for you, my heart, my dear dumdum. i am silent.. but i miss you everyday. you won't be reading this, but happy anniversary nonetheless. =(

a surreal hug, may it transcend from my thoughts to you, through the air and the distance wherever you may be, under this sky we share. may it reach you tenderly, brushing pass your arm, reaching around the small of your back, like a warm caress from someone in your heart on a november day, cold. may the good of this world conspires to bring this hug to you.

For Stephen.

only with death, do we understand life
and the inadequacies of just living.

Stephen old man, I remember you. You'll Never Walk Alone.

You've been missed.
.

Stephen Loh - Dragon boat accident - Cambodia
NTU - NIE - NJC - Maris Stella
NTU Hall 1

Wake at 7 How Sun Close, 27th and 28th November.
Take 22 from Serangoon MRT. about 6 stops away.

Funeral on 29th November.

everything is so sad.

everything.

silent death

tremors echoing
from time to time
unerringly,
towards
this forsaken land
the injured lay slumped
hand over his mouth
muffled cries
in fear of
being found

broken parts

two weeks and hurting, that should be a hairline fracture on one of my metatarsals, possibly the first or second, on my left foot. hope it heals by itself.

same for my old ligament injury above the right ankle. soreness and some swelling persists on.

same for the broken parts elsewhere. that should be permanent.

and it wasn't to get your sympathy.

your song keeps playing in my head
like a broken jukebox that wouldn't stop.

hold my head

My forehead feels heavy with sporadic twitches due to the recent build up of muscular mass from excessive frowning in a blood culling effort to prevent constant thoughts of the emptiest, saddest kind.

6.26am

the dream was so painful i couldn't sleep again.

somewhat breathless. i turned off my fan. the right eye feels sore. i don't remember rubbing it. i touched it. watery remains. get away from the dream. is that why i'm sitting here on the chair, curtains down, not knowing what to do. hiding in daylight.

i've lost all sleep. where has it gone to, where did my baby go. at least i saw you there. you look beautiful. but not for me.

a piece of square trying to pass through a circle, or is it the other way round. i exist merely as the great clattering, the obstruction in between.

or did i secretly wake up to wait for your reply from last night.

almost an hour. dare i go back now.

there are no question marks because there will be no answers.


like an overused SketchIt pad, no amount of erasing can remove the last remaining image.

4am

chest is tight. i can't breathe again.
4am. it's the same time.
i remember i coughed and spluttered.
but you only wanted to say goodbye.

hold my hand

demons visit
with the night silenced
breathless, the air
too thin for screams

sleep

i want to sleep my life away
what will i be waking up to?
a day of haunting memories
and a night of broken words

oh please let me sleep,
let me escape for a little while
and when i do wake
tell me i'm in the November of '05

4.35am

I have no wish to make you
the bearer of my pain.
here I go now, here it rains
and tomorrows come, with great disdain

i saw
it hurts
it fuckin hurts.

just talking to myself

silent night
broken morning
and a silent night

it wasn't much
but even that bit
was out of touch.
.

i don't blame you
just upset at how things turned out.

just a simple how are you

i feel like a beggar who's just waiting and waiting everyday to pick up the scraps. sometimes, there's a little something. but mostly, there's nothing at all.

.

where is the smile in your voice
or the kindness in your touch
wasn't it only yesterday when
we playfully nudged

the smile in your voice lights a thousand sunset
where and when have i heard that voice before,
it wasn't today or the week just passed; silent dusk
will it be tomorrow and its tomorrow, that's my simple ask.

so call me and smile at me,
smile at me and tell me,
words with a sunset view
just a simple how are you.

nothing wrong.

- Anything wrong?

everything is right as rain it seems.
why the hell did i call?

today,

i cut it out and left it at home today. but still it beats. and still i seek.

tell me when, we'll meet again.

tired. of a lot of things. physically. mentally. emotionally.
how did i screw up my life so badly? it's like a giant step towards depression. though i'm still sane enough to say that i'm not entirely depressed. not yet.

waiting for something, someone, is one of the worst thing in life that one can choose to do. you never know when they will turn up. sometimes they can't. sometimes they dun want to. though when such stuttering moments do come by, you subconsciously try frantically to squeeze in as many words as you can within the preallocated five minutes. and inevitably at the premature end of the conversation comes the two words that you never ever want to say. but you always have to utter them anyhow.

if time can be purchased, i'll buy you some.
about three lifetime's worth.

For a lifetime