silently another scar tonight
through the window, through the screen
i shot the little girl
her face by the side
stare and i stare
were we really a key away
we once were, and an arm apart
now we're just, apart
someone is writing a message
i hope i dun press enter by accident
yet i hope that you know somehow.
i shot the little girl. you saw. yes i did
everything is still the same, just silently now.
without incident, except for the dreams at night.
I gave myself away, and then you called.
The knife that stabs at my heart remains mercilessly sharp.
I removed your name card from my well worn wallet. A glance brought it all back.
The words that you said to me half a year ago, in your faux chinese accent as you handed me the name card, lingers on morosely in my mind, "wo shi lee wei wei, qing duo duo zhi jiao!", and i burst out in laughters.
stab and slash.
I'm fine.
i merely shed one drop of tear tonight. it flows, like a scar that cuts from the edge of my right eye to the corner of my mouth, from a day in November three years ago to last August, and from then on till today. one smooth, winding drop. flowing like the deepest ocean. that's all. i'm still fine.
if i leave it on my face, can i taste it tomorrow?
2 more days.
the heaviness of calloused breath sunken between letters, the gasp for air after each full-stop; you can't tell anything from the frivolous look of words.
the rain outside wouldn't stop pouring, but it will stop sooner or later. the sky will run out of tears too.
i tried to remember the last few times that you called me on your own free will. sadly, it wasn't difficult.
you called to ask about places to bring your parents for dinner
you called to ask how to get to the chicken rice coffee shop
you called to ask where the polyclinic is
you called to ask how to direct the cab driver to your new place
then you will hang up.
i feel so special.
.
5 or 6pm. to pass you the present. you said you'll call after meeting your family. i knew you wouldn't. you didn't. you were somewhere else instead. 12.30am. i was waiting downstairs with the present for you. i told you a day ago. i told you it won't take long. but you wouldn't. you said you're tired. too tired to open the door and take the lift down and take the lift up. you sound irritated. i felt brutally wounded. it was so difficult. good thing the place was deserted. it became a farewell present.
the rain got heavier.
20 minutes on foot, 5 minutes on wheels, yet an eternity lies in between. The love you once had, you now treat like dirt. Are you being controlled, you gotta ask yourself. And you said you are sorry, one can hardly tell.
.
I couldn't say goodbye, couldn't look you in the eye. I forgot my last kiss, and you didn't remind. The saddest ending comes when the sky is full of stars and you're not by my side. You said tomorrow night, yet you know that your tomorrows and laters are lies after lies. So I lay on cold stone in the cold wind till the coldest clouds filled the starry night. In the end, the walk home on a broken foot was the easiest part.
.
To my dearest dumdum, i love you, and this is our goodbye.
it can be the simplest of thing, just half an hour or so to pass you whatever it is. why must you make it sound so difficult..? and to say good bye. you didn't even know.
misery prolonged.
i want to pack all the memories together, the words and the pictures and whatever that is left of us, and give them to you, should you one day find the need to remember. but i can't do it. can't look at them for long without turning away.
.
the mother threw away the disposable lunch box that i have been saving for months to keep the fried rice that i was still hoping to cook for you. and the spoon.
.
i will stop remembering, but i won't forget.
