atrocious

overheard on the train earlier on from two co-workers who boarded and sat together:
chinese man: i want to apologise for laughing at your hair yesterday.
ah neh: okie
chinese man: see now my hair is also dropping
ah neh: uh
chinese man: i know i laughed at your hair but it's not on purpose. sorry huh.
ah neh then alighted.
.

aside to that, too many people are oblivious to their own atrocities in this screwed up world. and i hate the fact that my holiday is coming to an end in this damn manner.

ill contented

it's friggin 4.30am but i dun wanna sleep. i'll quit my job and be a night-watchman instead and a bloody good one at that.

screw it all.

oh cambodia.

The air tickets to Laos were too complicated and expensive to obtain at the short notice, so i settled for the next best thing and find myself in cambodia yet again today, barely two days later.

Entered from Phnom Penh and hooked up with a bus to Siem Reap. Hitting the temples trail early tomorrow morning and to more obscure places on sunday. From that brief impression that I had of PP, it looks boring and shall leave it till the final day before i fly back next week. which means more of siem reap and wherever else that i decide to go.

a year on, siem reap seems to have fallen more deeply into the clutches of the tourism vices. walking alone down the streets, tuktuk and moto drivers bugs me at every kerb and the phrase "tuktuk, massage, girl" is fast becoming familiar.

And no i'm not a japanese. i just have a nice goatee.

AMok Party Goes Tripping

i laughed till i doubled over in pain, breathless, and wiped off the gay tears that were squeezed out by powerful forces within. Over nothing much in actual fact. But oh how we enthused over the absurdity of our trip and the great planning that was wrapped up in ten minutes, much of which was spent debating whether we should leave at 6 or 6.30am, or how much to bribe the polis man when we get pulled over for speeding. We picked our to-go places like we're ordering dishes off the ala-carte menu: we must find the eunauch Zheng He's memorial, and this is getting extinct, must eat, and this, this and this, and we should throw in a church. Though we'll prolly just end up watching footie over the whole weekend in Malacca.

Wiped out the remaining of the evening with an impromptu darts and table soccer and bowling session which leaves me with half an hour to pack before i hit the sack and get my ass to work in 6 hours time.

15 years and counting. AMok Party Rocks

oh thanks for that

to say that i'm selfish, coming from you, is plain ridiculous.

you are nobody to judge me.

maybe next time.

i know i know, for the 257th night in a row i'm supposed to be in bed but i'm not because i spent the whole night looking at ten thousand weddings photos. not because marital bliss are in the books but for a tricky decision that i've got to make.

im very honored to be asked but no.. having seen the best, the terribly lousy that destroys marriages and the average, i'd have to decline and refrain from jumping into the stream of mediocrity for now till i learn to take better photos.

okie okie not so drama. it's just ROM but still i dun wanna be remembered as the guy who took shitty photos at their fateful ceremony.

pulpy head

i wanna lie down and just crash on the bed with nothing but the covers over me and the fan blowing like winter's call, to lay to rest the demons in my head who day by day gain in weight like marmalade. then i got jumped by the cockroach taunting me hence i lay in wait not in bed but like a bait, waiting for the cockroach to crawl out from behind the cupboard so that i can smash it to a pulp and jeer at what the thing formerly known as a head.

unbelievably tired. of more than work.
where are we going, all decked in black and white?

pardon me, good play

what good news i have
liverpool 4, oxford 1
two was offside and one own goal
the unsuspecting young lad
wrote himself deep into the anal of history,
so many years ago.

judging by that
brilliant hindsight
who wouldn't know,
what i couldn't have known.
.

the cow with the silent bell
oh sweet brown cow
she waves with her tail
down the foggy hill
dainty steps, unsoiled hooves like twinkle toes
lest the shepherd comes to know
but silly boy he, lifts his cameo lids
what sallow eyes oh nonchalance
he chooses the brutal twilight glow

while you were gone

the day which started badly ended in the worst possible way.

mum had a breakdown at work.

.

the cow with a silent bell grazes afar,
while quiet shepherd waits.

i'm tired too.

while i ponder

i stubbed my right knee yesterday and later in the evening when i tried to lock it i nearly buckle over in pain. i hope it's minor. which isn't the case for the wrists. something's still pretty wrong there after 3 weeks.

.

 

someone else asked again if i ever get angry, or how i'll look when i'm angry, something to that effect.

fact is, of course i do, if you matter enough to me, just that the number of 'yous' remain far and few.

and whether the person in question sees it is another thing.

.

 

everyday i wonder if the tomorrows will still be there when we wake up.

sentences.

it's been feeling like a lousy week, a tree without rustling nor fallen leaves; strangely detached.

.

[Rec] was fuckin scary. i pretended to check my phone at the scary scenes. or maybe i wasn't pretending.

Only after the movie did it dawn on me that despite the 50% off, i've still managed to spend a bomb. that was fuckin scary too.

.
i can't tell you how tired i am.

27th Oct is for Titi Camara

Firstly, do not laugh or make lewd jokes about his first name.

This is for Titi Camara, a Liverpool player who i fondly remember, short-lived his Red career was. He's the kind of player we fans cry out for, who put a smile on the face of football.

I came across this writeup of him and that probably summed up the story and what most of us Liverpudlians felt
http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/blog/?p=118

and in another youtube clip that i've just watched, he's also the crazy footballer who wore two jerseys together in a game just so that he can pull one off and throw it to the fans after scoring and still have one left for the remaining of the game.

Titi we love you!!!

27th Oct also happens to be the sister's birthday, but that's not nearly as important.

Scraplife

A weekend

Friday. The Vagina Monologues with Zhuominish Darling. I won't do that V for peace-out sign again when having my photos taken, because V is for cheebye is for cootchie-hootch is for pukimat is for you know what. Monologues was pretty good and enlightening and sexy and even gory. Friday. Couldn't find real food around bugis. Pigged out heavily at 85 market instead. Saturday. hassled into meeting financial planner. Saturday. Donated blood again at the mobile blood drive. I wish more people will donate blood. Saturday. Diarrhea. At the end of my blood donation. Blood got distracted and slowed to a trickle while the shit was fast coming. it was agonising. Saturday. bought dinner for zm who was down with the shits too. Sunday. Soccer. Loss of blood and lots of shit couldn't keep soccer away. Not from me. Sunday. Attempted a trick with the ball. Supposed to skillfully giap the bouncing ball between my legs and do a samba dance. Managed to end up with ball under feet and fell backwards. Sprained right wrist. Sunday. Loss of blood and lots of shit and a sprained wrist couldn't keep soccer away. Not from me. Continued playing. Sunday. Headed for the Arts Singapore Exhibition. Interesting stuff. Wish I had taken arts classes more seriously when I was younger. Monday. MC for the wrist. I is Singapore's last action hero, after the venerable VR Man.

guess something

the brightest stars in your eyes
couldn't show the darkest skies in mine,
nor the fool behind.

what am i?

yellowed rambles

many many time ago, I actually attended the National Day Preview at the invitation of Peiyi.

graduation monkeying
and two trees

the word is lousy

it has a been a lousy day,
in its own lousy way.
run away soon.

oh yay, i feel like crap.

you were stolen by the night, by a stranger by my side.
i saw you by and by, seeping through holes in the sky
in the evening i await, for a morning i refuse to wake.
dawn signals the demise of our make-believe lullaby,
for reasons, that you alone decide.

Night of 21/22 Sept

is strange.

i even felt at peace, for once in the longest while.

i'll go sleep over it now.

what's new

A year ago at this time, i wrote the saddest entries in my blog. A year on, today, apparently nothing much has change. i'm just better at reining myself in.

Girls are rubbishy and can never be trusted.

if heaven and hell decide, for the 157th time, that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no on the vacancy sign.

too many loose-ends lying around that need wrapping up.

Today I bought a sunflower. It may never ever see the sun again.
.it is a confused sunflower.

what is this strange rash like thing on my fingers and toes? it irks me. am i diseased
now i'm so incredibly tired.

if heaven and hell decide

today wasn't so good after all.

wake up

Were i being totally dense tonight?

somehow, something or someone bothers me a great deal.

i suspect that i fear the unknown.

and it seems like i'm world class at screwing things up.

with faint disgust

it's almost tragic, how sometimes history has a way of putting us down.
.

and when you're down, that's when fading memories get a jolt.
.


so swiftly and coldly marks the knives of yesterdays.

the birds and the eggs

2.40am. instead of sleeping i'm here blogging about a colleague/friend's blog on which she wrote (a year ago):

During a phone conversation with the darling just now, he said something that goes like:

"Let's remember not to call our kid Nelson (because "鸟生蛋")

.

.

.

"And also not Nelbuson Tan (because "鸟不生蛋")

HAHAHA.

And i replied:

this comes a little late but anyway..

I had an acquaintance named Nelson Tan back in sec sch. but no one dared to laugh at him openly, because he also happens to be the biggest ah beng in our sch.

the only other ah beng (2/2) did ever punch him once though.

That was AHS circa 1997.
.

and since we're on birds, or i am, my neighbour for some unfathomable reason, keeps an ugly common mynah in a cage outside their flat.

one morning on my way to work and while waiting for the lift, i saw 3 other free mynahs - free as in both uncaged and free, no need to work - standing outside the cage, sometimes poking their beaks through the grills, chirping to the poor captive.

the scene tugged at something in me. is that love?

the morning after

the air is cool under the sapling's shade; beyond shadows the sun a burning rage.

It's not about the run

Today is a day when a bit of dark clouds said it all.

Perhaps i surprised myself by taking it just a bit too seriously, but then again, it's not something i can control with a flick of the switch.

It was a run that shouldn't be, and I could felt it hours before, though still I wanted it to happen. So anyway run I did, breaking off to run alone, and thanks for the resulting nipple abrasion.

In the end, everything matters enough to irk me and it shows on my usually emotionless face. not all, but enough to tell. left me somewhat impressed by your influence on me.

.

sometimes i think i'm bitter about life. looking happily optimistic is but a disguise or an escape, i can't tell. or that could be just the schizophrenic side of me. guess i'm terrific at hiding things.


.

today suck so much i feel sick now.

no need for words

the longevity of memories in a sparkler's lifetime.

when spirits soar
left behind is the patient humming
of loyal nights
,
and this the state of the human heart,
i can't say i am much surprised.

.

some came as wounds of the past
who left behind blood and a scab
the deeper ones carved faint tattoos
beneath the hardened crust

you though, are like a broken bone,
a torn tendon and a ligament
nine inches scar on tattered skin
a lifetime of broken symphony

an utterance, an utter mess

i may return to write a second line..

a life of decadence
of ageless nights and sudden dawns

no words would come that make sense of us
despite shuffling feet and silent cries
quick goodbyes,
save a storm.

he would, but he died.

lovely hugs

wipe tears off your back.

Square Hats

25th July 2008 - Convoked

Thanks to the parents, the sister and all the friends who turned up, and those who more than just turned up.

I'm down with sinus problem today after setting up brilliant fires for the bbq at the class chalet over the weekend. along with it came another few hundred photographs from our cam-whoring sessions, which i wonder when i'll ever get to clear.

thousand of photos are currently sitting pretty in my laptop.. friends have since gave up baying for my blood and pics. i think i ought to apply for compassionate leave to settle them once and for all.

suck it in and out

do you sometimes feel like you're just a time-filler? or treated somebody like one?

*enters taylor hicks down the aisle, on the harmonica, playing the blues*

serenade me

hello hello? tic tac toh

Spasmodic Dysphonia.
This could be what I have. My low rumbling mutter, moulded out of necessity to disguise from it. will pay a visit to the specialist one of these days. Call them mumbles, call them rumbles, I have careless whispers if you would listen.

10 km Nike human race on 31st Aug, 21 km army half marathon the week after, the organisers are a bunch of asses. I've been wanting to do a proper 21km for ages but my troublesome left knee ligament is a wuss. maybe it will snap into two if i push it again. but what the hell. creaking left shoulder from the inability to sleep on the right, on the side away from memories and a murky wall, bumps and bruises from the friendly chaps at sunday soccer.. and that's enough for now.
.

the moment was lying on the ground, waiting to be stepped on.
tell me johndoe, what the fuck have you been doing?
.

and we made it down for diana's convo after a day of very long walks.





yet a year ago i missed the most important of them all. AY 2006-07 was the academic year filled with a lifetime of mistakes.

lesser than it is

sometimes i think my photos are utterly lifeless.

.

who's that from fremont, california? hello hello?
pam? drop me a msg yeah.

no matter

rustic villages in cambodia, the ethereal angkor wat, splendid sparkling milky way, standing above a ball of rising cloud, dipping into waterfalls, being halted by a koala bear in the middle of a mountain road in the middle of the night, flying amongst coral gardens with giant green turtles, slurping roasted goose noodles along an empty wintry road, flailing my arms upon breathless canvas of mountain top views, .. or the image of you.

The moment, that moment, is the only, and we can never go back, no matter whim or will.

flutters

It will rain,
The sky black as night.
Tug, tug.
Must I coldly cut my kite?

I got it..

long ago, when you boarded the train without me.


but if you see an old man like him, many years down the road, that could still be me.

silent, behind the yellow line.

This is not an aquarium

don't

it's more merciful to swim with fishes in the ocean, than to see them struggle for life while lynched by your hook.

words for thought

"... and addiction in the end is a surer bond than love."

Coetzee, Dusklands.

which got me thinking.

.

Sundays are becoming / have been a part of the week sucked into an anonymous void. apart from the morning kickabout which i performed with great clarity and awareness, the rest of the day have regularly been stolen by the crushing humidity of sundays, aptly named i now realised, upon which i often meekly surrender while lying prostrate on the bed, not daring to provoke the heat that feeds on me, or by my own seeming inability to do anything even as I watch the hands of my clock make a mad dash across the yellowed face.

I have much photos to return to.

sparkles in my eyes

i would have brought you up here, on top of the world, to make you fall in love with me once more,


and watch the colours changing hues, our sky a china blue.

wistful achings

i'm back, and the world around me did not change.

so why think, or wait?

I'm off again

Running off to the much awaited Kota Kinabalu trip.
Up the tallest peak in Southeast Asia, then diving into the bottoms of the Tungku Abdul Rahman Marine Park.. Gimme some good weather.

you may start missing me.

sundown

all the wrong sizes,

i'm tired and i want to sleep.
that's the easiest thing to say but too often, the hardest thing to do.

will i one day deplete the night solace?

.

you. i wish you won't have to work so late.
three seasons passed and winter will soon knock on the door once more.
worryingly, you're still in my daily mind.

Lata Cemerong

i'm back. with a nasty ant bite on my big toe.

kick my ass

travel and diving plans and proposals for the last couple months have fallen through with alarming regularity, no thanks to the dreaded uncertainty of the taboo word, work.

diving at pulau dayang with my krabi fans. failed. backpacking through vietnam with xuemin, peiying and seb. failed. diving cum backpacking in the philippines with alda. failed. backpacking in taiwan with yq and ass, i can't rem if they asked me, but i shall assume so. failed anyway. kelong trip with the study gang. failed. diving at layang layang with weilong. failed. travel around india/taiwan with zhuomin/jo. still failed.

you know life kinda stinks when there's money that u can't spend and leave that you can't take. however beyond all these dispiriting flops arises some glee in the skies.

alda and i managed to sign up at the last minute for yet another waterfall trek with the good people of ODAC, this time to Lata Cemerong in Terengganu. a sudden call from her last wed night with an immediate response from me brimming with determination not to waste the rare long weekend over vesak day.

BUT it's only possible because the original vesak weekend plan to dive at redang/perhentien failed as you may have already guessed and we change it to a dive trip to Tioman over the following weekend. With the faithful dive gang of lingjun, xiangyi and alex minus weilong who's been diving way too much anyway.

AND there's still the long surviving trip up Mt Kinabalu in Sabah come June with dive gang minus lingjun and our breakaway plan to go dive down Sipadan or somewhere after that in order not to waste the air ticket. How can we not.. especially after splurging a bit on some dive gear. Just can't wait to get them wet.

why the sudden number of travelling, i've got no idea. though i'm immensely glad and thankful that i got invited by seemingly disparate friends to go see the world. dare i conclude that having me as company isn't that bad? .. or maybe they just need someone with a camera.

Have camera, fins, backpack and many ziplock bags. Add money, time, and life will nearly be complete.

today quietly crept into the 6th of May, 2008. in a sense, it's strange to see this day arrive. it's not any fancy occasion, just that it's been a while since whatever, and i do find the need to think back and journal down certain memories before everything gets left in this backwater.

after which, i'm gonna say something funnie and end it with a laugh.
tee hee

it remained a good idea till i remembered that i'm not exactly feeling well now. kinda nauseous and groggy from this sinus infection/dust allergy that i picked up while attempting to clear up my room which also resulted in a 2 days MC.

but time flows on nonetheless.

and further up that same river last year, i accidentally graduated from NTU after 3 years with a Bachelor of Engineering majoring in Computer Science with Honours, 2nd Class Lower. One of the first thing i decided was that I don't wanna do this computer shit any more. neither do i wanna work, so i bummed around for a great long while, for about half a year.

much of that period in 2007 was spent rolling about in mud which was formerly good fertile earth till i peed upon it myself and it wouldn't dry.

thankfully though, i have good friends who stood by me in times of need. some reminded me how to live

even as my body got more streamlined. while the rain was unforgiving in october. The merry men of PE3 in a farewell photoshoot. I became Alex's photographer/sales manager/publicist for a few of his gigs. we sold enough CDs to have dinner at a hawker centre. And Jermaine is beautiful.

countless hours were spent with yanqing and shirly mulling about. I miss school so much I went back to study with them sometimes.




then i took some commemorative photos of our film gang.





to be continued...

hee hee.

By the river, east of the world.

you know you've given it a good shot when mucus and sweat fights swipe for swipe to the the beat of your footsteps. i enjoyed looking at the shadows of my revolving legs as i glided unchallenged down the 3 lane road. fucking sexy i would think, sans the topless torso glimmering under voyeuring streetlights.

lovely lungs i've got. that's my hidden charm. hello ladies?

1 more month to another marathon. today i foraged to the outer realms of Punggol, slightly beyond sengkang east drive where the world ends, and back. took me only about 50 minutes. picked up two liters of soya bean milk on the way back.

i've got to pay my bills now. and sleep.

this is an attempt on a return to normalcy?

2929

29th of the 29th.

go have a ben & jerry strawberry cheesecake cone on me.
just for today.

cosy up with me

again you came to me as i dreamed away last night
i used to be in yours, i know. you said.
too shy to tell me the details.
i remember.
you don't think i do.
i didn't think i would.

we're both wrong.

for the past, for the abstract,
for the unspoken, for the unables.

is that why we dream?

won't forget.

just feel like putting up photos tonight.
HK in december was amiss, cold like lillies detached in sharp snips.


this is her first time. i waited long and hard.

i look different these days.
life isn't all that bad. just can't find the urge to write about it.

.

black as sea-battered rocks.


red like your daily peeps from far

.

make me cry
(guitar solo)

yellow ledbetter
all over my head
why not put me to sleep

you've lost my way

night brews a sudden storm
and misery loves a symphony

hmmm..

you are overworked, and not so bright?

i miss jellybeans.

this time

let me
freeze time
as i sit down
to write

without
the hissing
of wind
or you
by my side

let me
sit in
this snapshot
of life

black and white.

i have
faded;

much to write,
not time
on my side.
you are
cheerful and bright.

rumbles

you're the eczema of my heart

nigh

night embraces me
and i, her.
silent consummation,
fingertips

karma

the saddest photos ain't taken by me.

tonight, there's hatred. though not to you.

the words wouldn't come


i keep courting my own death
yet when on the brink, i refuse to die
and came back for more


enough is enough now
you've done too much hurt.
i would like to flee.

.


if u see me, don't.

silently now

this shouldn't be written.
but there are things that i dun wanna forget.
should you really need me one day,
i think, i'll still be here.


my dear dumdum,

i thought i'm fine and recovering. but talking to you brings back a torrent of memories. i felt the way i was feeling at my lowest point, i cried like i did all those months back. you haven't really left me at all. and that's why i can't talk to you. forgive me, forget me. you've made up your mind to leave, then just go and don't turn back. if you're truly and happily loving someone else, then you wouldn't have room nor need for me. you don't want to lose me completely, but i can't bear to lose you at all. i still find it so easy to say all the words that i couldn't say in the past: i love you and i miss you, and this pseudo life that i'm living now, is but a poor substitute for you.

hugs and silently now, goodbye.
your dumbass.


so shoo now,
my silent hugs
and your buried tears
the quiet kisses
you didn't know you had
under the blanket of your breaths
you lay awaiting
till sleep came
and took you away
still i leaned close
a whisper and a touch
too deep into your dreams
still whispering
when it's too late for words,
just silently now

i dowanna lose you completely

my eyes got swollen tonight.

wee

this deep slumber
reaches into the wee morning
and took what is left

mortgage my ass

as we turn our backs
in our shadows my hand holds
yours, till darkness is complete


i feel like crap sometimes.
like today and tomorrow.

another

february died and march was born.

can't remember how long it has been since we met. or talked. or whatever. what matters is that we are not, did not. time is probably secondary. don't want to leave a handle
in history to go back to.

yet another 29th passed quietly by. i'd be surprised if you felt differently. or did u managed to surprise yourself?

by untampered fate, i caught The Leap Years today. it's crap, but the date, which is the main protagonist here, and certain scenes are just, in a way.. too close for comfort, too personal to brush away the emotions that the movie attempts to evoke.

and i saw your name in the credits at the end. as i sat there swallowed by the red plushy seat, what else could it be but an incredibly elaborate joke played on me.

the 29th day of the second month, which would have been our first; dare i use the word 'our' here? and as it is, another four years before that day and month is here again in the game of time.

but by then, there could be no need for memories.

.

has life come to a standstill?


hello hello,
but i got to go

uncle

24th Feb 2008, sunday after soccer.

beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep. beep beepbeep.


uncle, my godfather since i was 28 days old, passed away. the only time i shed a tear at someone's death in my life. sad to see auntie crying for her beloved husband at the deathbed, but she was so strong again after that. i love them both.

f

i'm the living form of melancholy now, just like that, fuckingly.
put on my earphones and put on some music, they went in thru my head and couldn't find an exit. delete the spam and read some blogs, end up visiting at my own. heavy the tombstone, where are the eulogies, no, i read my pages of death sentences instead, in reverse chronological order, not that it matters.

so fuckin tired, the whole of the last 27 hours, just an arbitrary number, but somewhere near i'm sure. still i seemingly gain vitality in such melancholy. on and on, undying the music plays.

i want my eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. do you remember? i carried you while you slept, while you're supposed to be watching, while i rub your feet, it was cold.

delete you. i can't remember to forget.

and the discriminating lily. which bin was it in, do i dare wonder. fuck me. lilies. fuck me.

6pm

i slept again after i woke
you came again in my dreams
i spotted you from behind
in your flowery dress and shoes
i walked away to the mirror
you went pass me to the toilet
i hung around and waited
you certainly took a while
i was hoping for another glimpse
i was hoping you won't spot me
then my dream ended
we left without goodbye
still, i'm glad we met
just go and don't turn back.

rubbing her tummy

silently another scar tonight
through the window, through the screen
i shot the little girl
her face by the side
stare and i stare
were we really a key away
we once were, and an arm apart
now we're just, apart

someone is writing a message
i hope i dun press enter by accident
yet i hope that you know somehow.

i shot the little girl. you saw. yes i did
everything is still the same, just silently now.

Yesterday passed

without incident, except for the dreams at night.

I gave myself away, and then you called.

the accidental tear

The knife that stabs at my heart remains mercilessly sharp.

I removed your name card from my well worn wallet. A glance brought it all back.

The words that you said to me half a year ago, in your faux chinese accent as you handed me the name card, lingers on morosely in my mind, "wo shi lee wei wei, qing duo duo zhi jiao!", and i burst out in laughters.

stab and slash.

I'm fine.
i merely shed one drop of tear tonight. it flows, like a scar that cuts from the edge of my right eye to the corner of my mouth, from a day in November three years ago to last August, and from then on till today. one smooth, winding drop. flowing like the deepest ocean. that's all. i'm still fine.

if i leave it on my face, can i taste it tomorrow?

2 more days.

asdkh sdjlasjd lasjdalsjd

but i still miss your happiness.

to write nothing

the heaviness of calloused breath sunken between letters, the gasp for air after each full-stop; you can't tell anything from the frivolous look of words.

before goodbye. silently you left

the rain outside wouldn't stop pouring, but it will stop sooner or later. the sky will run out of tears too.

i tried to remember the last few times that you called me on your own free will. sadly, it wasn't difficult.

you called to ask about places to bring your parents for dinner

you called to ask how to get to the chicken rice coffee shop

you called to ask where the polyclinic is

you called to ask how to direct the cab driver to your new place

then you will hang up.

i feel so special.
.

5 or 6pm. to pass you the present. you said you'll call after meeting your family. i knew you wouldn't. you didn't. you were somewhere else instead. 12.30am. i was waiting downstairs with the present for you. i told you a day ago. i told you it won't take long. but you wouldn't. you said you're tired. too tired to open the door and take the lift down and take the lift up. you sound irritated. i felt brutally wounded. it was so difficult. good thing the place was deserted. it became a farewell present.

the rain got heavier.

tomorrow, the stars won't shine.

20 minutes on foot, 5 minutes on wheels, yet an eternity lies in between. The love you once had, you now treat like dirt. Are you being controlled, you gotta ask yourself. And you said you are sorry, one can hardly tell.
.

I couldn't say goodbye, couldn't look you in the eye. I forgot my last kiss, and you didn't remind. The saddest ending comes when the sky is full of stars and you're not by my side. You said tomorrow night, yet you know that your tomorrows and laters are lies after lies. So I lay on cold stone in the cold wind till the coldest clouds filled the starry night. In the end, the walk home on a broken foot was the easiest part.
.

To my dearest dumdum, i love you, and this is our goodbye.

but i won't forget.

it can be the simplest of thing, just half an hour or so to pass you whatever it is. why must you make it sound so difficult..? and to say good bye. you didn't even know.

misery prolonged.

i want to pack all the memories together, the words and the pictures and whatever that is left of us, and give them to you, should you one day find the need to remember. but i can't do it. can't look at them for long without turning away.
.

the mother threw away the disposable lunch box that i have been saving for months to keep the fried rice that i was still hoping to cook for you. and the spoon.
.

i will stop remembering, but i won't forget.