i am equally miserable

dawn in layers

i have to write now, halfway through dawn and the singing roomie. half-way through exams and 4 hours from the morning alarm, the price for a prime studying spot, though the quality of studying can barely match the table's premium.

tonight.

an unfamiliar departure with heavy hearts. so helpless we are sometimes, fragile.

i like to think that i think about life a great deal. but in the midst of thinking i let life slip. i do the thoughts but failed to live the life. in another phase of the now familiar cycle, i seemed to have drifted once more. soon i will rein myself in and continue, in what, i'm not so sure.

I searched deep within and came up empty; will it be a cause of regret in years to come, i do not know. can i still look into your eyes and say i've tried?

in my pursue of nothingness, i have let go much, perhaps unwittingly, sometimes in tandem. too many things in life are transitory. i wish they hang around longer, to ease the nostalgia and the sentimental in me. when we look back with fondness, too late, is often the word. to the friends and deeds that i have neglected, i am sorry.

I do not like to stick a time and date to my mind. Time is what have already passed, not the future that we look to. date and time are fictitious, transitory. in the process of remembering and adhering fastidiously to date and time, have we overshadowed the reason behind said time? Have we missed the moment?

now that i have stated a reason, let's have the occasion. a sincere thank you to those who cared and remembered and those who will remember. and deepest apologies for those whom i have forgotten.

today, my phone also dropped dead. now i hear the voices but not read the words.

is there a point to these words, other than to satisfy my whimsical mood?

don't ask me. he do not know.

from dust to dust

if dust can be used as fuel, my room will be a nuclear powerhouse

Eleemosynary

How to withdraw money from the Automated Teller Machine (ATM)

0. Wait an eternity for idiots who do not know how to use the atm
1. Insert ATM card, card facing up.
2. Enter PIN
3. Select quick withdrawal option of $50. Don't bother to go for $20 since you KNOW that you'll have to repeat the withdrawal procedure 3 days later.
4. Collect and keep your ATM card
5. Collect and keep your $50.

Unfortunately, last week I missed out step 5.


Again.


At least idiots keep their money.


I dunno what that makes me.


I think i've already done more than my fair share for charity this year.


chee bye

wasted

today is a fucked up day.

From Sook Ching to Bliss

A bloody massacre
Once took place
Here where couples tread
In peace and bliss
Of Punggol Beach

Re-cap

I hate this computer game programming shit. the whole cohort is full of friggin scary no-life geeky nerds. just like the entire IT industry. fuck. i'm fucked.

2nd Nov - today I ran 8km. I saw a snake peeping at me, its head sticking out of the drain grates. I crossed an acquaintance twice. She seemed shocked at seeing me the 2nd time down the same road. I ran past a stranger 3 times. she is on the heavy side but full of determination.

1st Nov - yesterday afternoon i dreamt of myself breathing. I was breathing differently. I exhaled when the next sequence shd be to inhale, and inhaled when I shd exhale. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, for real. I woke up.

31st Oct - That night I ran from NTU to Chinese Garden and back. I wanted to step into the garden (with the huge lake) for the first time in my life, but it was pitch black and eerie at 1.30am. I ran for 1hr 20min, because i sort of lost my way while running back.

30th Oct - Monday. Groundbreaking ceremony briefing at Orchard Turn. They spent $100 for two guys to pull the curtains. Two under-grads were dumb and cheap enough to take the job. One of them was me. Tuesday, actual ceremony. They brilliantly stapled the curtain to the floor to make it taunt. Upon cue, I pulled open the curtains but they got stuck to the floor like how i exactly feared, infront of an MP and the media. Dumb and cheap undergrad looks like a fool as well.

Inspired

The decision to abandon lessons and head to SMU for the photography talk last friday was probably the best I've made in a while. Not because it's an excellent reason to skip some crap chinaman lectures, but for what was gained in that few hours.

The speakers that day were Tay Kay Chin, Darren Soh, Wong May-Ee, Ken Seet and Samuel Seow.. All reputable photographers in Singapore except for the latter who's a lawyer and shared some stuff on copyrights and such.

All the speakers exceeded their allocated time, but not that the audience mind. Each shared their experiences on the job and gave valuable insights. And there were of course the photographs. Lots of them, all great shots. Particularly those in Ken Seet's signature b/w style. The photos practically stunned the whole hall into silence, punctuated only by occasional respectfully muted coughs.

oh brilliant.

Hazy Daze

Into the day of October haze
Sunlight a glob of misty glow
Chirpy birds atop a tree I heard
Yellow-bellied, sharp and shrill
Uplifting, absorbed was my gaze
Transfixed eyes and striding near
Two steps later what halts me, but a bang
Smashing sound I heard, right through the head
It was a lamp post, straight and stout
That with bare skull I valiantly fouled
Hear the resonance, cold black steel
See darken noon and swirling stars
Bathed in laughters faraway I heard
All in vain of a pair of chirpy fucking birds

i feel like my world is shrinking.
seem to be sliding into another pit as my days snoozed away.

muted senses, i'm shutting down.
feel me numbed and dumbed.

Liberation

I'm still alive.

Off to Rainbow Falls, Kuantan.
I dreamt of a spectacular rainbow sometime this week, in 3D no less.

Memory Archive

From a piece of paper upon which I noted down, 9 months ago, the list of well-wishers from last year's birthday, not that i celebrated it or something. Thanks to all these people who remembered:

First wave - The Swift and Deadly:
Weiweiwei the Great
Tan the Loyal
C-cube from Upstairs
Baolin the Impish
Rachel the Black
Toh Family from Hougang
Jo the Milky Cow

Second Wave - PE3 Bookworm Club:
Kevin
Gabriel
Jackson
Ah Boon
Huiling
Weiquan
Jason

Third Wave - Disparate:
Ruping the Decade Long
Huda my Favourite Malay
Angeline the Doll
Kaifeng the Chapteh King
Dali who Shoots
Dylan - AMok Duke
Dehong who is Tall

Bird brained

Spotted today:
people from hall tried staging rescue effort for poor Pussy. She was brought out of the cage and amidst traumatized scratches, was given a dry bath of powder and whatever stuff, probably in an attempt to reduce the stench. Pussy was then put back into the cage. After they left, I then took a look at Pussy, and noticed the potent pieces of shit still lying at the corner of the cage.

No dis-respect to them, but don't they flush the toilet after they wipe shit off their own asses?

Man and beast

Neighbours and others in hall found stray kitten somewhere. kitten is brought back to be aclimatised into a fellow Hall 1 hostelite, in a cage along the corridor, my corridor, 1 meter away from my door. Kitten shall here-on be referred to as Pussy.

Pussy, as are all young animals, including human babies, is very cute. Pussy gets plenty of visitors in the first week, especially late at night. Pussy sometimes mew non-stop in the afternoon when no one is around.

Pussy should make frens with my roomie's 2 surviving hamsters, who don't discriminate, as I predict that Pussy's popularity and number of visitors will rise and drop exponentially like that of my many newphews and nieces, who were once adorable human babies.

this week, the number of visitors seemed to have dropped. all the previous visitors seemed stunned and amazed that Pussy, however cute and adorable at first, is capable of shitting and smelling like shit, due to Pussy being smeared in shit as the cage is too small and no one wants to take out and play a pussy who smells like shit.

In a year's time, when Pussy gets older and not cute, like how lovely human babies turn into brats, no one will give a damn about visiting Pussy at late nights nor remember how, once upon a time, she was picked up at a park and didn't smell like shit.

Ashamed

First day of the new semester and my final school year.

And I feel ashamed of myself.

This girl stood beside me at the bus-stop. When I first saw her, she had this funnie look on her face.. not a very happy one. Moments later, I saw her clutching at her waist. Catching her breath I thought. Then she leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. That was when I realised that she's actually in pain, like gastric or something.

I debated with myself whether to help her in whatever ways I can; at the very least, words of comfort can do wonders sometimes. The dilemma was shallowly settled by the arrival of my bus. I took another look at her before boarding. I am such a pathetic prick.

Along the short bus ride, I wonder if she's alrite and hope some other nicer being who are not pricks had helped her.

When it was time to alight, I found out that the bell wasn't where it's supposed to be. Looked around, then this other girl on the next seat pressed the bell instead, somewhere on my blind side. 3rd year student acting like a chao freshie.. After I got down, I turned back but she was still on the bus, and it dawned on me that she actually stopped the bus for me and I didn't even acknowledge it nor thank her.

A prick I am, twice over. I feel sad for myself.

Went back to my room and ate a peach.

 

it is the unpredictables in life that gives life to this world

- john doe. but i'll figure out the meaning later.

AdiZero Mana

I NEED a pair of this:



in green.

went to google for it, but the ALL the websites that mention it are either in jap or taiwanese.. what's wrong with singapore?

Love is

Love is two people seeking a common space and if they find it, love is forever
- christopher doyle

Recent Reads

Motherless Brooklyn - Jonathan Letham

A man working for a shady detective agency in Brooklyn turns detective himself, seeking to untwine a ruthless crime and exact revenge for his murdered mentor/employer/____ (someone who gives verbal insults, whatever he's called. abuser?).

That's the simplest and an utterly unconvincing introduction that one can start off with to throw off the unsuspecting book browser. But that's not how this book won over numerous critics and awards.

The plot runs around characters with character; sprouting jokes with baffling punchlines that perhaps reeks of shady New York. Lionel Essrog has Tourette's Syndrome, sparking off in him uncontrollable shouting tics and a tendency to count things, any thing. That prolly upped the excitement a little. Brings to mind whiffs of the Belgian film, The Alzheimer Case; another imperfect detective.

In fact I feel like I can identify with the Tourette's sufferer on a personal level, our minds or body somehow flawed. That's why I like the book so. And of course, the author, Jonathan Letham, is tops. Humour within brilliance, I like.

The title reads: Recent Reads. Plural. Another book to go. But I suck at writing book reviews so much I'll just write this in brief for my own good memories' sake.

The Plot Against America - Philip Roth

Alternative history. Didn't realise that till I was 3/4 throught the book whereby I thought Charles A Lindberg was american resident for real. And part autobiographical, though how alternate it is from his real life, I have no idea.

Jewish kid growing up in american jewish family in a town largely made up of jews. Hitler and nazis started jewish holocaust in germany and eastern europe. WWII starts. american jews started fearing for their lives after F. D. Roosevelt got ousted by pro-nazi Lindbergh during the elections. book documents their lives for the many years to come till it was all over.

From here i learnt about the often misunderstood and sometimes mysterious Jews. In the past when I wonder if being Jewish is a race or religion, I now know that it is a bit of both, with no clear distinction, depending on tradition and personal beliefs. And the holocuast, aviation history, fascism, socialism, democracy and so on. I feel smarter after reading this book.

I thought I'm done, but from here, I suddenly remembered about another book that I've read before this.

War Thrash - Ha Jin

Compelling read. Communism vs Socialism. China vs China. Korea vs Korea. America vs Russia. something like that. Insight to some colorful and bloody part of china's history. Mao Zedong. Deng Xiaoping. Chiang Kai-shek. Taiwan. socialism. communism. democracy. egalitarism. nationalism. cultural revolution. red booklet. lotsa shit that I never really understand previously and even now.

It was this book that lead me to picking up The Plot Against American when i chanced upon it on the shelf. And which also revived my memories of Hou Hsiao-Hsien's 1980 film, City of Sadness. Excellent film starring a very very young Tony Leung still with chubby face. Set during the period when China's nationalist troops under Chiang Kai-shek took over Taiwan, the Island of Freedom. hope i got that right. wrote a review for this before but never got around to finishing it. this will suffice.

And so you see, it's all linked. From Charles Lindbergh to Hitler to Mussolini to Mao Zedong to Che Guevera to Tony Leung.

What a small world.

the great conspiracy against john doe

Final Year Project sucks. CeMNet sucks. My project sucks. My supervisor's instructions sucks. My computer sucks. Microsoft sucks. visual studio .net sucks. Work sucks. And some other stuff sucks too.

Everything seems to be going wrong now. It's bad.

i need to write.