the night always go quiet
unreachable
the silence deafening.

I don't want to.

Each time you have to leave,
I want to have you in tight embrace,
like we always, used to, do.
Yet as I remember your anguished face
that crestfallen night,
It seems more merciful to turn,
and just wave goodbye.

my phone

What are you doing?

nothing. waiting for a call. that will never come.

Why don't you call then?

did.

oh.. Is that why you keep looking at your phone?

It's all about you

My dear old friend Zhiyong left a message on my board -
"Orbit: A writer said that the saddest man writes the best words. Ironically, I see your writings now surpassing much of before. Sometimes I wish you don't write so well."

As I was replying, I started thinking about all the stuff i've written on my blog. Over the last two years, there has been nothing worth a mention that I've written, everything seemed sterile and safe, starved of sadness. Indeed the quietest period since I started a blog, a diary almost 8 years ago.

And thinking back on these two years, not coincidentally spent with you, it seems so clear now that the reason I wrote nothing is because I was happy. I was quietly leading a happy and blissful life that I was unaware of.

And today I finally understand why.. the reason is you.


hugs,
your dumbass

I feel like the person I love most in my life died and a huge part of me died along with it and there's no one left to comfort me. No hugs, no kisses, no calls, no kind words. Now I tell the whole world that I love you, I can't say it enough, but there's no one left to listen. The world has become a colder place.

Have you ever died like that?

Now I know how it feels when a loving husband causes the death of his beloved wife. I am both criminal and sufferer. We share the same grief. I can write for a thousand and one days yet it will never be enough to express how I feel now. Life is impossible to go on. There is nothing left except for a permanent throb of pain in the heart.

your voice keeps ringing in my head.
i can't help it.

days after getting my new specs, my vision is blurring and i dunno why. i look around the train station today and there are things that I just can't see clearly.

is this the side effect of too much grief?

oh fuck.. i lost two kg in a week.
not eating really helps in slimming.

i better find some food

~~~~~

after saying so much.. how come she still don't understand what I wanted?
I asked for kway teow soup.. and got something entirely different instead.
I took it and walked away.

i'll also remember this as the period in life where I totally lost interest in food.

i wrote a lot today. everywhere.

the boundaries between a day and the next is no longer clear. i live through time like an immortal. I hear the birds sleep and i hear them wake. I close my eyes with the sun bearing through my curtains, through my eyelids. Sometimes I eat to entertain.

Today, or yesterday, I can't be sure, the night ended like how the morning did. absymal. ominous. not encouraging. Lose the anger, the remaining sane bit of me says.

There is hope yet to come and feelings yet to go. One can never be too sure and we can only try.

looking back the past 2 years, i'm disgusted with how blind and foolish I am.

is this my karma relived, coming back to haunt me and slit my throat? it's all my own doing.

every single second with you now is priceless
every single conversation we have is treasured
every single hug i'll give the tightest
every single touch carries my whole heart
for every single everything could well be the last
i'm a man on death row.

it's 11am. i still can't sleep. i feel like i'm being tortured and abandoned, just waiting for a slow death. the head's spinning, the body is weak. something's burning where the heart ought to be.

i lost to a car today. it might as well have run me down, twice over. i wouldn't have known the difference. i feel deceived.. nothing hurts more than this. i was supposed to surprise you, but i got clobbered and robbed instead.

where are you really? your voice is indifferent. did it bother you at all? or how long had i been sitting there transfixing my eyes to the gate? how far i've travelled? did i even sleep? and where did i go? where am i now? nothing.

i try to close my eyes and the images come flooding back. minute by minute. scene by scene. there's a firm hand clutching my head, refusing to let me sleep.

my heart didn't change overnight. it was there all along, foolishly trying to protect, not love. but how fast yours did, and it's all my fault. where have we disappeared to in you? tell me, i'll put them back.

still you're nowhere to be found. later, you said. you sound cheerful elsewhere. later, i wait. minutes turn to hours. later, will it be too late?

and if i do see you later, what will i do? stretch a smile across the face? and you wonder why i've changed and became so charged with anger and frustration. my face weighs a thousand times heavier now with all the sadness in the world hanging on it.

regardless, i will still smile for you.

Can you let go?.. Can you live without breathing?

Have you ever seen despair and desperation in a man's eyes? I did today.

can you feel it?

Sean Penn in I Am Sam reminded me about love, a different kind, but love nonetheless, in some heart-wrenching scenes.

And I get an excuse to shed tears through the night..

the night time is the worse, when the streets are quiet. i sit in the middle of the room staring at four mute walls, breathing the sadness the sleeping world left behind for me.

my hello rings through the air, no echoes, no feedback. even the hot-line is dead.

Today I learned a new word from Dictionary.com's Word Of The Day.

maudlin \MAWD-lin\, adjective:
Tearfully or excessively sentimental.

I'm sure it will come in useful someday.

He and she made a great pair, as do morose and maudlin on days when he flips through photos of his long dead spouse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mother bought me a donut. It was so fucking sweet I put it down after the first bite. there's enough grated sugar there for about 3 cups of tea. I don't like donuts.

the randomness

Here the rain comes, again and again today, as if trying to wash clean the tainted spots on earth, and from lives, emotions that went wrong.

The mother is a difficult role that too often, becomes a role difficult to live with.

J.M. Coetzee is simply a brilliant writer. Be a main character. Otherwise what is life for.

Still overdue. I owe the library a fortune.

Less than 3 weeks left to the sister's wedding. I'm still not sure what's going on. I am positive that I will dread the wedding dinner. I am still of the opinion that wedding banquets are big suckers of everything.

Something's wrong with the left shoulder. Right knee acting up again so I couldn't do the short run that day.

British films night

I compensated for the irritations caused by Shinobi by watching another two films from my treasure vault, yes I have many many more. Picked because of their shorter runtime, both coincidentally share themes about the harsher but very real sides of life, of people we choose not to see sometimes, and are both set in London.

London to Brighton is good. I like British films, and French.

Dirty Pretty Thing is very good, and Chiwetel Ejiofor the black man outstanding as Okwe the Nigerian illegal immigrant. Just realised it's a British film as well, directed by Stephen Frears, the same man behind the more recent The Queen. Thumbs Up.

no need for a title

1st September 2007. Saturday.

Worst day in my life for the last two years. Even Liverpool's 6-0 drubbing of Derby couldn't lift me up. That's how bad it is. Well at least they didn't top off the terrible day in equally befitting manner.

1st September 2007. The preceding days were almost as bad. I could feel the devils coming yet I was helpless, just waiting for something, or nothing, waiting for the blow to strike me fully where it hurts. And it did.

After two years I said hi to james blunt again. he understands.

the man who knew too much, yet too little.

And the intent, as we now know it, then why save the goodbyes?

i feel betrayed.

a reversal of roles that came so swiftly. the feelings of being shut out, i hated it. leaves an aching after taste.

never suspect that i still have the heart and emotions in me, not until recently at least. perhaps there was love all along, love that chose to lurk beneath an impenetrable layer of icy cold whatever. and it emerged to face all the wrong reasons. emerged in a blaze of gloom. like a murderous acquaintance i once knew.

another harpoon through the heart of a vanishing species. what more is there left?

waiting

sometimes i sit around too long waiting for nothing to happen