musing

Act intellectual.
Read a postcard on the train.

The why to my heart

have i forgotten how it felt to feel
my love, the feeling once so strong of sweet sorrow
it was everywhere, the words i wrote, the tears i laid,
the joy you gave.
it was there, i know. And remembered it clearly, before i lost you.
mi_lanel, budding rose of my formative years,
of you, my decade of decadence


Years of wilderness (fallen)


Then from nowhere it came back again, so strange, so swift.
Feli they call her. Pebbles, as she was known to me.
She called, I answered, we talked, and fell.
Fell into that familiar feeling I used to dread,
of fearing that tomorrow will arrive without her in it.
That was a love that was wrong, yet so perfect.
For surely, good things don't come so fast and sudden,
took my breath away.
And they don't.
She left, and i could not comprehend,
the perfect stranger that we became.
nor the joke that heaven made of me.


days of derelict.


Strength came upon me one day,
I know not how.
I put you away, in my
locked closet of memories.
Along with the book of us,
words and images i carefully kept,
the final chapter that i wrote for you.

I wasn't sad, suddenly.
Like i leashed my heart to a heavy rock,
the equi-weight of you in my heart,
and heaved it overboard
into a sea unknown.

Down without a splash,
no last words of condolences.
Numb, but for that occasional spray
of fine mist from yesterdays.


Forgotten.


So forgive me, forgive me
this life void of passion
dead avenues that gently ambles along
to great plains of emptiness

empty

somehow, today is an empty day.
yet another one of those countless repertoire when seconds and hours stream past

tell me, what have i done?

i wonder about the sequel to yester-night, oh sweet.

i can't figure out where tomorrow's tomorrow may rise from.

so tell me, is this a bad day, or is it another of my every day.

Last chance

Dear Lecturers,

It is with much regret that I write this email, seeing as predictably, I have failed in squeezing into any of the photography modules till now.

However, what is even sadder and more disheartening is that among the clutch of lucky students in your classes, some are taking the subject simply because there is no exam for it. I do know of a couple of them at least. Such criminal attitudes are robbing students like me and a great many others who are genuinely interested in photography of a chance to learn. We can but curse and swear and write emails in vain.

What else can I do?
Nothing I'm afraid. I'm eating sour grapes.
What else can you do, you ask.
I'm not sure either.
Yet it would be wrong if I just complain and not offer solutions.

1. Interview them. It may sound impractical or impossible, but the thought of an interview will scare away at least half of the imposters.
2. Request for portfolio. Same reason as above.
3. Make them take an entrance exam. Students who are interested will know at least a bit of the basics.
4. Request for a nominal studio or equipment fee. You can always waive it for poor students like me.
5. State that there's an exam in the timetable. Then on Week 12, announce that it is cancelled.
6. Kick out those who don't pay attention in class.

I check the class indexes for vacancies 50 times a day. The result is as constant and dampening as the rain.
Can you kick out someone and put me in your class, please?

Yours sincerely,
-name-
9001xxxx

ps: This email was written under a mix of frustration and despair. Should I sound rude in any manners, I sincerely apologise. In any case, this should be the last of my incessant emails as it is also my final semester here. Thank you for your kind attention.

something

i think something is going to happen.

《明日歌》

《明日歌》
清 钱福《鹤滩集》

明日复明日，明日何其多，
我生待明日，万事成蹉跎。
世人若被明日累，春去秋来老将至。
朝看水东流，暮看日西坠。
百年明日能几何，请君听我明日歌。

Somehow I've always remembered part of this, from many and many a year ago, while cramming in my higher chinese textbook, yet not being able to understand much. You learn as you age, and things just flow back to you sometimes. Upon reflections, how meaningful all these seems, yet reflections can never bring back the passing of time.

and I found other variations as well. For Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday.

《今日歌》
明 文嘉

今日复今日，今日何其少！
今日又不为，此事何时了！
人生百年几今日，今日不为真可惜！
若言姑待明朝至，明朝又有明朝事。
为君聊赋今日诗，努力请从今日始。

明日歌
文嘉
明日复明日，明日何其多！
日日待明日，万世成蹉跎。
世人皆被明日累，明日无穷老将至。
晨昏滚滚水流东，今古悠悠日西坠。
百年明日能几何？请君听我《明日歌》。

昨日诗
佚名者
昨日兮昨日，昨日何其好！
昨日过去了，今日徒懊恼。
世人但知悔昨日，不觉今日又过了。
水去日日流，花落日日少，
成事立业在今日，莫待明朝悔今朝.

a piece of shit

Right now I feel like doing anything but my FYP. If I can end it off just there and then and settle for a B grade, I'll jump for it. But the truth is, I'll prolly be sentenced to a D, if i'm lucky. Having FYP, is like living in a guillotine. Every week I do just enough to stop the blade from dropping.

I'm in the library at 6.30pm on the first week of school. It's pretty peaceful.. puts one in the studious mood. Maybe i can live with it. yeah.



Anyway, am back from Krabi. More on that later.

Happy Anniversary

I remembered the day before it was due. On the day though, somehow I forgot about it, busy with mahjong i suspect. But still, it's a day worth remembering.

On 30th Dec 1999, i wrote this on Diaryland.



2007 hence enters my 8th year of blogging, or just an online diary as it was called, once upon a time..

Happy Anniversary

From You

it's you, you know, just like you

sweetness in spring blooms

how leaves and petals rustle as you walk

shy, giggles, and scatter

that something familiar


it's you, you know, sometimes i feel

child-like rainbows after gloom

teardrops patter from grey skies

then make wonderment of weather man,

a sudden burst of golden hues

Pok and Friends' Grad Shots

They were taken more than 4 months ago, my first time on such scale and occasion. This month, I finally got down to editing all the photos I took for Pok and friends in mortar board and gown. Deleted at least half the shots that I took in all. At a count of 100+.. I really take a lot of crap.

Lesson learnt, never shoot more than you can manage. Minimalism is good, sometimes.

The Graduate[s]


They are everywhere


Model of the Day


And prolly my favourite shot of the lot. The Traditional Toss.

What's with today?

Ho ho ho.. Merry Thaipusam!!

I wish people will stop wishing me merry christmas.
It really doesn't mean anything to me these days. I once thought it was something special, because Channel 5 usually screen their endless Police Academy re-runs for special days. Then I stopped watching tv.

If someone wishes me and I dun wish back, I run the risk of sounding rude. If I do, I know I don't mean it and will sound like another fool to myself. Most times I just tell them happy holidays.

If you're not a christian or catholic, why mutter to me words that are meaningless to you? To get into the festive spirit? Celebrate Thaipusam or Deepavali then. They show Police Academy on telly on such special holidays too.

Is this just typical of Singapore? I dunno. If you go hohoho in iraq today you'll probably get a car bomb in return.

But I'm not really pissed or anything, just slightly irritated. After all, I received an electric shaver from yesterday's family x'mas gathering thing. Though I wonder when I'll ever really use it. *strokes goatee*


And I like my new layout. took almost a lazy day to get it up. hohoho

Recent Pulau Ubin Trip

The six of them, and my bike.


Pretty quarry. At the cliff's edge, hanging on to a tree.


Another tranquil quarry.


Big bird


Nice right?


the rest of ubin photos

Now that drugs don't work

I laid on the hospital bed, looking at other young patients. My eyes took them in in a different light, glowing and surreal. My shyness gradually subsided, much like the thronging pain from my fresh wound. Morsels of undiscovered warmth seeped through me, in a way that I've never felt before. I wanted to lean over and make friends with them, whose faces I had pretended didn't exist till then. I wanted to embrace this new found world. Something in me then questioned the absurdity of myself doing it. I battled that thought for a while, till I finally succumbed to the power of morphine. Drifting off from one surreal world to another.

tv

Wish Upon A Star

Aaron Aziz sounds like an Indian high on drugs and trying to sing.
what was the show about man..? I dun get it.

Not watching local tv programs seems like a terribly good decision now.

Singapore Marathon 2006

My second marathon was completed at around noon of 3rd December 2006, almost 6hours after we started.

We ran so long, my safety pins turned rusty.

But once again we finished it together.

Despite last year's experience, preparation for this year's event was far from ideal. The furthest distance I ran before that was only 13km. Exams, the perennial cow, got in the way I would say, plus a period of lay off due to the niggling groin strain that brought back unkind memories 12 months and 42km ago.

But nothing's gonna stop us from finishing of course.

The night before, I surprisingly got held up at Alex's surprise birthday celebrations at loof. Nice place by the way. Didn't even bother to bath when I got home and slept straightaway for barely 2 hours to wake up at around 4am.

Was supposed to catch the 4.30am bus. Kinda late. So before the marathon even started, I ran all the way from home to Hougang stadium. By the time I sat down in the bus, my legs had gone stiff. Not the smartest thing to do afterall.

Minutes before the race started, I realised I was still holding on to my damn house keys. In a fit of inspiration and bravery, I left the keys on a 2m high ledge right outside Esplanade and hoped for the best.

We set a target speed of 8km/hr and stuck to it surprisingly well for the first 3 hours, till we hit East Coast Park, where it went upslope from then on. When we finally exit from ECP with more than 8km to go, Zijing could barely walk while i nearly got consumed by cramps. From then on, our run/walk routine turned to a walkathon of agony.

We spotted Toh Kit Mien, the baffling puzzle of last year's. Then we identified another girl displaying similar walking phenomenal, whom I labelled Kit-2.

Then it dawned upon us that despite it being a marathon, the truth for majority of the runners is such that, the key to finishing with a good timing is not how fast you can run but rather,
(1) how long you can avoid muscular atrophy - pains and strains and cramps
(2) how fast you can walk

The importance of brisk walking cannot be under-estimated. It shall be part of our training regime for next year's marathon. Sissy butts-wriggling-legs-crossing-hips-twisting, here we come.

A lot of people took part this year, more than I would like. Instead of the marathon being the ultimate race for hard-core runners, more and more people are taking it as a fashion statement, albeit a tedious one where success is not guaranteed. A line should be drawn somewhere, in my opinion.

In any case, the finishing line is sweet and all pain were briefly dismissed for that last 0.195km.

After that however, fulfillment got churned into disappointment. The finisher's tee and medal looked no different from last year's, clearly a lack of effort on adidas and the organizer's part. We didn't get our ordered sizes, and later, the tops went out of stock altogether. An ugly blemish to what would have been a successful event otherwise.

Finally, something else that frequently gets on my nerves.. For all the bimbos and dimwits out there, when someone says he's running the marathon, please stop asking how far he's running, or which marathon he's taking part in, if held in Singapore.

If it's not 42km it's not a marathon, and there is but one, by Standard Chartered, for Singapore.

afterwords:
oh, and i retrieved my keys successfuly from the ledge at the end.

We had brunch at the HK cafe (cha chan ting) outside of Marina Square and it suck horribly.

Next year will be faster.

stop

may time stop still for half an hour so that i can blog a bit

oh blimey, time's up.

tea time

Swiftly they come, and depart as fast.

Exams are over once more, leaving that strange emptiness in you; suddenly you know not what to do when it's 3pm and you see the mid-day storm brewing, strange for you've missed every single similar storm for the past 2 weeks while hiding in the air-conditioned underground bunker of a study area, trying to study, and sometimes you actually succeed.

lost in space

time for a cup of tea and figure out what's next.

i am equally miserable

dawn in layers

i have to write now, halfway through dawn and the singing roomie. half-way through exams and 4 hours from the morning alarm, the price for a prime studying spot, though the quality of studying can barely match the table's premium.

tonight.

an unfamiliar departure with heavy hearts. so helpless we are sometimes, fragile.

i like to think that i think about life a great deal. but in the midst of thinking i let life slip. i do the thoughts but failed to live the life. in another phase of the now familiar cycle, i seemed to have drifted once more. soon i will rein myself in and continue, in what, i'm not so sure.

I searched deep within and came up empty; will it be a cause of regret in years to come, i do not know. can i still look into your eyes and say i've tried?

in my pursue of nothingness, i have let go much, perhaps unwittingly, sometimes in tandem. too many things in life are transitory. i wish they hang around longer, to ease the nostalgia and the sentimental in me. when we look back with fondness, too late, is often the word. to the friends and deeds that i have neglected, i am sorry.

I do not like to stick a time and date to my mind. Time is what have already passed, not the future that we look to. date and time are fictitious, transitory. in the process of remembering and adhering fastidiously to date and time, have we overshadowed the reason behind said time? Have we missed the moment?

now that i have stated a reason, let's have the occasion. a sincere thank you to those who cared and remembered and those who will remember. and deepest apologies for those whom i have forgotten.

today, my phone also dropped dead. now i hear the voices but not read the words.

is there a point to these words, other than to satisfy my whimsical mood?

don't ask me. he do not know.

from dust to dust

if dust can be used as fuel, my room will be a nuclear powerhouse