resistance is futile

i'm exhausted today, from refraining myself, from controlling my thoughts. trying i mean. for the whole day i felt as if i was trying to hold my breathe underwater. i used my own hands to force my head down.

at night i finally succumbed and dropped a message. followed by a call. then i wished i hadn't. it all amounts to nothing still.

at the end of the day i'm feeling much worse than before. my lungs feel deflated, caved in. i give up on the pretense of solidity. but u were already asleep.

i wish u had called.

then my phone rang. it was you, suddenly awake. could you hear the excitement in my voice? there was a different kind of breathlessness that i couldn't contain in me. it was a pathetic exchange of words muttered in half-slumber, but somehow i instantly felt better. it's all about you still.

over tissue and planta

it feels so cold all over again.
a thousand questions and no answers.

can blue birds sing and flowers bloom when your sun don't shine
can you feel the soft caress of late night breezes when your windows are closed

do you only miss the flowers and fingertips when they are gone

to have all the riches in the world yet without time or love to spend with, will you realise only too late that the world is too full of fools poorer than the happy poor
.

it's already 3am.
my windows are opened, my flowers sit in eternal bloom. i am learning to sing a forgotten tune. will you sit with me, and listen?

this is my concert for you and you alone.

On the eve of the day

I'm glad I was locked in my room when it happened, shielded by the four walls closing in on me. So swift and sudden, everything that I've been trying to put down for so long all came together in a gust and washed me out. Every bits and pieces of pain and grief, swallowed down in strength and bravery, re-visited me, swept pass me, through me, coursing through every single vein and arteries inside of me, this flaccid bag of emotions. swamped over, i was powerless. it was ruthless.

you answered, but i was choked. could barely say goodbye.

Did i surprise you that I lasted this long?

Tonight

Will you be awake at the stroke of midnight?

Caged

It's a simple life you and I dream of. Must it be so complicated?

I feel chained up at home, stifled and muffled. A cage with an open lock. Yet when I step out, i find myself in an even bigger cage that is the world. Life is a punishment right now.

where are you?

till water runs dry

the words are running dry

i try not to think these days, but it's still quite impossible.

to put aside all sadness and heavy thoughts at a snap of the fingers when u appear or call is taking its toll on me. i feel happier when they happen, but such happiness is a relative term these days. happier than a minute ago. happier than when i waited in silence. such moments don't last for long, are never long enough, and then they have to end, in silent brutality. you dun see the face of the jester when the curtains are drawn, when the makeup is removed, when the goodbyes are said, the painful goodbyes.

Suddenly november is almost here. i'm surprised, or shocked. wasn't it only august when it started, or september when the skies were falling. my life has stopped moving for the last few months. i seemingly spent everyday waiting, waiting till when we meet again.




Happy birthday.
I hope you cherish it.

The gardener

i am a gardener, with cuts all over.
i grow my flowers, see how they scatter
petals unopened, twirling in fervent
for that dance partner, a last step in tandem

your flowers

like wonderful

Films are beautiful. Like a girl that i know. When i sit in the dark and watch, I see her on screen, feel her next to, and inside of me. Films bring me to places, to misty beaches and pebbled roads, to butterfly gardens and starry nights. Corners of this world that I want to be at, but only with this girl that i know. I've seen how beautiful life can be, now let me travel with you. Let's live, like wonderful.

that was monday.

today, it was an empty screen, showing black on black.
the imaginary credits was one name short.

tell me.

i need peace of mind, or a morphine shot.
wake me up, tomorrow

do the right thing

a day of jumbled thoughts. i breed my own demons and i struggle to vanquish them myself.

you. we live in each other in a way none of us could have imagined, more than i could fathom. listen to your heart.. do the right thing. the sooner it is, the less difficult it will be.

The Book Of Love

It was laughter, it was joy
It was the sound of you and I

It was sadness, it was tears
It was the feeling when we tried goodbye

It was kisses, it was hugs
It was when we know we couldn't part

It was me, you waited for
It was engraved deep in your heart

It was late, it was lost
It was love that winter brought

It was you, who taught me love
It was a fate together we walk

It was written, it was us
It was a story for which you always ask

When you're gone.

Today i'm quite exhausted. How do I keep myself from thinking of the obvious that's pounding at my head at every opportunity? Walking on the road where at every alternate step lies a huge pot hole that I must avoid getting suckered into. Sidestep the rain that's intent on drenching me, sell a dummy, shuffle to the right. Yet, it's still you.

And i caught a fever instead.


11th Oct.
sometimes i don't know what else to do. This is one of those days when i uncover the shielding stones and have no strength to lift them back. The last goodbye took it all. I can still smell your scent in the air I breathe. Can you tell them not to go so soon.. Next week can't come fast enough. And i'm running out of time and words to say to you..


29th Sept.
I feel suffocated the moment I step away from you. My heart heavy, sinks to the floor. Dragging behind my feet. Surrounded by the madding crowd yet I stand there as lonely as a single leaf dropping and falling through the winter cold.

Think. Yes you have alot to think about. I like you best when you're sleepy.. When you don't remember to pretend that I'm just a stranger. This is you. And this is me. Even ifyou wash off my memories and change my heart, I'll still remember us. You live in me. You're a part of me. Like snowflake is to winter. Like sunshine is to day. You're the eternal sunshine of my spotless mind.


19th Sept.
I want to confess that just now, for a fleeting second, I really did not think of you. I nearly choke on a fish bone.

Then in the next moment, I realised I was wrong. For even if I lay there dying, the only person I want to be with, is still you.

the morning that never was

is that all that u can say?

give yourself a better reason. i've said enough.

it still hurts.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

The Death of Ivan Ilyich - Leo Tolstoy.
From the final paragraph.

'He's gone.', said someone over him.
He caught these words and repeated them in spirit.
'Death has gone,' he told himself, 'it's gone'.
He took in some air, stopped halfway through a deep breath, stretched out, and died.

In the closing chapters, I was the living Ivan Ilyich. Everything that I thought was right, was wrong.

headache

Headache, yet another. Are they triggered by certain thoughts?
I've got more of them in a month than I ever did in 10 years.

It was morning

It was morning. It was morning only because there was a message at 6.05am followed by a call. Then there wasn't any. Hence on for six days since, the night, the killing night, has taken over the remnants of day that used to be spared from the mercilessly stifling hours with air that chokes of dead flowers, flowers once sweet, in her seasonal bloom.

.

teh manis saya,
di dalam hatiku,
tak ada sayangnya,
sakit hati saja..

.. does this make sense to anyone other than me?

Inbetween the dreams.

i rinse my mouth and notice a glob of blood washed away. then i remember i had an unpleasant dream in my sleep. During the dream, i bit my lips, and it bleed. I flick my tongue to the wound and feel the contours of the top and bottom puncture marks. Did it help to save me from the dream? I opened my eyes for a second, cried out in pain and dived right back in. Because you were still inside.

a 3 minutes spell of you in such clarity, where else can i go?

an island that no one lives
i know of one and such a one
will you come and live with me,
if i take you away, won't you stay?

how do i stay, or leave?

Awake? dun ask me. I always am. Even in sleep. my dreams are always awake with you.. my darling angel. i hope you call.
.
i called again. do you feel mad or bad or sad like me? hear the ashes of torment from your heart. helpless like mine.
.
your voice melted me. before calling i was full of stoic composure. after hearing your voice all words desert my mouth, like a fool newly in love with palpitating heartbeat.

your voice melted me.. from stark raving madman going out of control, to a sedated prisoner of imploding sadness chained and locked in a padded room.

how do i stay.. if you deny me my necessities of you? And how do i leave, when locked away from you, i can't say my goodbyes?

waiting

i can't bring myself to look at other girls. or to buy chicken rice without you here. even the days are longer. when you're anywhere but near.

.

you can't bear to, somehow. you dunno why.
did you even try to know why? maybe you'll find answers in what i wrote you. they are not heartless scraps of advertisements.

time is what i have in ample right now, yet ironically it's also what we can't share together. cars can bring you go places, but legs that have endured the road and stood by you before, will travel with you till the end of the world.

i used to be the most careful man when crossing the road. i think a lot of things doesn't matter any more.

September Skies

have you ever seen the sky without clouds
a silent sea of china blue
like the skies of this september
like the days i cried of you

hold me close, don't let me go
i would like to dance with you
hold me close, don't let go
let us dance to yesterday's tune

so see this sky without clouds
an endless sea of china blue
like the color of my fallen heart
in the story written by you
.

thinking of you the whole day. i looked up at the sky and see nothing but blue. like the color of my heart. how i was feeling the whole damn month. i needed an excuse to message you, so i made up a poem about blue. and this poem is about you.

then i realise i also need an excuse so that i can see you, so i wrote this into a song, a song that i would like to sing and strum in front of you. but let me learn the guitar first, so that i can one day serenade you with weiwei's song.

and just so you know, you'll never need an excuse or reason, should you ever need me.

peaches for thought

You gave me the sweetest peach that I've ever had, brought all the way from home.
i always look forward to 6.05am. will i still hear your voice before i close my eyes?

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

i lie down and close my eyes and got consumed by recurring nightmares. I lived out scenes from Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. They were after me, trying to delete me from your memories. I couldn't reach you. I woke up over and over again, a dozen times over 2 hours, head spinning and feeling suffocated. Each time I close my eyes again, they were instantly onto me. It was so real. I keep checking my phone for you to rescue me. You didn't. Sank back into the torturing chamber that I was too tired to resist. In between the surreal moments I messaged you, in a daze, for real, i saw it in my outbox. I am here, where are you, I said. Did they intercept the message? And all those before that? What have they done to you over a single night? Two days' worth of sleep and fatigue was scared away in that gruesome two hours spell. I finally kicked myself up and gasped for air, the thin oxygen-less air that pervades and seeks harbour in my room like a heavy cloud that storms in uninvited and refuses to dissipate. Where's the eternal sunshine?

...

breakfast
didn't go down well.
bloodshot eyes
now sing me a lullaby

.

i hug my phone to sleep more than my bolster these days.