memoirs of a klutz

i get around

2012-02-04T03:34:00.002+08:00

in thoughts
feelings are all too familiar
could this be an endless cycle?

the years gone by

2011-11-22T23:20:00.002+08:00

Birthdays over the years
2008 - HK, had dinner alone in a little eatery near Fa Yuen St
2009 - nothing
2010 - Taitung to Hualien, Taiwan, with stupid

Christmas over the years
2008 - alone in sihanoukville, cambodia, in a quiet night
2009 - chiangmai with stupid
2010 - That elephant safari place, Sri Lanka, in an isolated resort with the scb folks

New Year over the years
2008/09 - nothing
2009/10 - Khao San Road, Bangkok, with ass and stupid and surrounded by 2000 ang mohs
2010/11 - on the plane from Colombo to Singapore with Jas and CJ

how $900 became $2972.80

2011-10-26T23:49:00.003+08:00

money making is a vicious, vicious cycle

i'm going diving. Anilao, in Philippines. $900
And i thought, what a good place to venture into underwater photography!
so i sussed out a good deal. a little too good to be true. still it set me back by $1770.

however, with big things come big responsibility. i had to figure out some way to secure my entire rig to myself, in the event of inclement conditions in the sea. $75 + $5.50 + $3.50 + $1.80 = $95.80

and because i have more and more gear which requires more and more batteries, i had to go out and get some. $44

and battery chargers, of course. $140

and a long line of power sockets for the many chargers. $23

that's how a $900 trip turn into a $2972.80 hole.

refurnished whims

2011-10-07T01:17:00.000+08:00

dive in a flag

travel

do it. shamelessly

talk to people

take photos

write about it

plans

2011-09-24T03:24:00.002+08:00

inspired by fei's pics.

i want to climb everest base camp and mt kilimanjaro

need to get in shape.

2011-08-09T16:45:00.002+08:00

how about i start writing?

i'm doing no justice to all my travels. memories are quickly fading away in absence of the permanence of words. photos are no good without captions, much less if they remain hidden and forgotten in the labyrinth of hard disks.

and write about my army life. time to do some scanning.

away

2011-07-27T22:38:00.003+08:00

run and running ran away,
to where sorrow wept and lay,

and away

2011-07-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

run.
away now, run away.
now run, away.
run away now.
run.

so long jimmy

2011-06-22T00:08:00.001+08:00

james blunt is coming
and i'm going

noodles for thought

2011-05-17T03:03:00.002+08:00

here i am, boiling a kettle of water at 3am to cook noodles.

here i am, a creature of the night, soaking up the silence that feeds a part of me.

and my noodles, soaking up the water that too feeds me;

i have no doubt as to which is the nourishment, or drug, which i seemingly live on.

.

how many 3ams have you seen?

Time

2011-04-09T16:46:00.000+08:00

Time is a grasp of cold air in your hand, passing us by without moving.

Pete Souza

2011-03-08T01:41:00.002+08:00

Chanced upon a documentary about the white house photographer Pete Souza while bumming at home today.. and it inspired me. he captured some great moments.

http://www.petesouza.com/index.html

hold it

2011-02-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

i desperately hold my shit in as i think of the perfect album to play (or blast) as i savour the moment to come.

billy joel it is.

a red geordie

2011-02-01T03:15:00.002+08:00

we're swapping torres for carroll and left with 10m for bak kwa.
this is historic.

m for million, in pounds. all 35 million of it.

i'm feeling really really sick.

good read

2011-01-26T00:56:00.001+08:00

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

blinding light

2011-01-25T02:20:00.002+08:00

the more you show, the lesser you are.

my deficiencies are glaringly highlighted each time i find works that i admire for hours on end. still not good enough. no where near in fact.

there will come a time when you find yourself opening up and awakening to another level. but not long after will you realise that you have in reality, and in the harshness of truth, barely progressed from where you originally stood.

recent dreams

2011-01-24T01:28:00.003+08:00

i dreamt that i have a box filled with rolls of unused black and white film. i was excited.

i dreamt that there were a couple of fleas around me, and a tiny, toe size, rabbit next to me. in irritation from the fleas, i stamped on the rabbit and felt it's tiny skull under my shoe, before flicking it under the sofa with a sheepish smile.

some time ago, i dreamt that alex's brother, alvin, died in an accident and i was sad.

i dreamt of angel. a little surreal.

my life is dark and morbid.

3v2

2011-01-21T00:53:00.003+08:00

played soccer today after months and months and it felt so good, despite being only 3 v 2, or playing with complete strangers, or the rain...

and despite the fact that i lao sai 3 times today, or that i've had the shits for almost 3 weeks now. 3 weeks!!! wtf...

Roy Hodgson

2011-01-08T17:28:00.004+08:00

Roy Hodgson's pre-match interview:

"...if we could knock Manchester United out of the Cup on their home ground. It would be a remarkable coup."

a remarkable coup indeed.

no fuckin pride.

i've been through numerous frustrating spells of various liverpool managers and have stood by them all. if nothing, they had at least spirit and confidence in the last beaten team they had put out.

For once and hopefully the last, Roy, good riddance.

~~~~~~~~~~

Update:
Hours after this entry: Roy Hodgson was replaced by Kenny Dalglish.
Rob Hughes' column in Sunday Times also quoted Roy's 'remarkable coup' comment, thereby confirming what i've suspected all along, that I Am Awesome.

tart

2011-01-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

kong xu

2011-01-06T00:12:00.003+08:00

hollow.
very hollow.
and i know this feeling only too well.

really need a change, in all aspects.

what an ego day

2011-01-05T01:04:00.005+08:00

funnie how things all come together sometimes.
suddenly received three different wedding photographer requests tonight; from zhiyong's sis-in-law joanne, iris - for her AD, and an overseas (!!) invite for diana's cousin's wedding in Kuching, Sarawak.

the words made me blush... shall allow my ego to float around for tonight.

I accepted iris' but humbly and regretfully declined the other two, honored as i am. i still feel bad for turning down yewjin some time ago too, but wedding dinners isn't really my cup of tea and not something i'm confident about. better not.

this one made me feel pro.. ahahah. and make me look forward to getting retrenched so that i have an inexcusable reason to do photography full time. hmmmm.
i'm feeling a lil sick today and yesterday though. zzz

Wing Thigh holdings

2011-01-04T21:01:00.002+08:00

"one ayam penyet, take away. can you give me breast or thigh. thanks."

... short pause.

"you want drumstick? or wing?"

"no i want breast or thigh please."

his brows furrowed deeply.

"you want drumstick or wing?"

"no i want chicken breast or the thigh"

fed up, he...

"YOU WANT HAND".. slapped his arm.. "OR LEG??" .. slapped his huge ass.

unable to go on, i pointed to the nearest piece of chicken and said, "give me this"

he took a random piece of chicken and proceed to penyet it.

sorry

2011-01-03T23:45:00.001+08:00

catch me as i fall
a star you said i am
in my fallen grace
hold me,
in safer hands

words

2011-01-02T18:51:00.002+08:00

i miss writing.
words.
too long i've gone without putting them down.
this year, will i start again?

words
~~~~~
it's only words, and words are all i have,
to take your heart away.

2010 in figures

2011-01-02T18:50:00.000+08:00

days spent overseas - 54

countries visited - 7

friends (unique) overseas with - 24

wedding invites received - 10

cameras in possession - 6

friends on facebook - 378

friends on facebook whom i've met for at least 5 min - 132

photos taken (excluding film, small cameras and deleted photos) - 5916

2010-11-01T03:13:00.002+08:00

feeling lousy tonight.
and then i remember, quite a few nights.
who am i to make you down?

whatever will become of
the butterfly with clipped wings?

you twat.

2010-10-01T05:07:00.000+08:00

do you remember how a love song feels like?

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

2010-07-25T03:24:00.002+08:00

i feel alone in the world tonight. like a speck of dust, not with a current beneath me, or a feather, without the proverbial wind beneath the wings.

this is the sort of nights, where soulful melodies come to life. the sort of nights, you feel smaller than the chair beneath you. Where are the people around me? what if my life stands still for the next 50 years?

i dreamt of my auntie some nights ago. i was at an old block of flat, rushing out, late. I went past my auntie's unit. she called out to me to have some porridge. i was late, but i went in anyway, probably because i haven't had my auntie's porridge for the longest time.

this music is putting me to sleep.

Multimedia 4 - 7 uFO

2010-07-01T01:37:00.005+08:00

For the first time in 2 months, today's game felt more like the soccer that we used to know than the rigid and laborious motions that we have been going through since the league's inception.

Well, from a personal point of view at least.

Zijing, ANg and I started on the bench against the team whom we set our hearts on beating right at the start of the season, the team whose last season's stats read: 18 played, 18 lost, points 0. If we can muster only two wins for the whole of this season, tonight has to be that night; the other being the return leg in weeks to come.

Edwin finally broke his scoring duck in the early minutes with the first goal courtesy of a heavy deflection which he nonetheless celebrated with both arms raised like a champion along with a whooping celebratory cry which stunned east coast park for a moment.

Multimedia equalized. 1-1.

Edwin then swiftly followed up with a second goal and a similar celebratory routine. Having just recovered from the earlier shock, the star studded bench of Zijing, ANg and I managed to politely applaud his committed celebrations while we were also impressed with how generous the opponent's defence was.

A hat-trick was completed and a fourth scored by someone but i shall skip the details for i want to quickly get to the crux of this match report which is basically about me. HT 1-4.

Following my demand to the uFO team captain Sean, i started the second half as a striker for the first time and what a season changing demand it turned out to be. Our keeper Xianming also strangely got ordered to take off his gloves and be my strike partner. Our combined weight is about 1/3 that of the opponent's imported defender. note the word, defender, in its singular form.

Anyway I scored. Little XM managed to squeeze the ball out of the jungle of ang moh legs to me and I thumped it, though a little less emphatically than i would have liked, into the top right corner, giving the keeper No Chance at all.

The best moment - there were many from me, if u haven't realised - came when we broke away in an attack. I received the ball at the halfway line with my back to the goal, made a half turn to my right where i spotted gay Brian running for once.

At this crucial, split second moment, Alex if it had been him, would have fumbled the ball into the sideline. Edwin would have stopped, turn for 3 seconds and shoot the empty space where the ball used to be 2.79 seconds ago. But me, no. Because I am Tricky Toh, my legs instinctively made some semblance of a fake (by dropping my right shoulder - turning my body - yet not committing my center of gravity in that direction) to my right, hence drawing my marker away from me, while I nearly simultaneously pulled the ball with my left leg to the opposite direction, and in one fluid motion, swiveled and made an Awesome through ball down the center, straight into gay Brian's path for a one-on-one with the keeper and he managed not to miss.

I thought a humble hi-ten will do but gay Brian insisted on giving me a bear hug much to my disgust and i refused to kiss him. I also gave our gay captain Sean a hi-ten through the netting after he insisted on it for ten minutes.

I did a few more brilliant moves, such as flicking the ball in one touch for Zijing to take a pot shot, another fake to create space for myself to shoot, making countless runs in and out of their defence etc etc. you get an idea of the amount of brilliance on display.

Unsurprisingly, I scored a second goal thanks to my intelligent reading of ANg's movement and anticipation of his cheeky back heel, which i admit is equally brilliant, before killing the ball with one touch, bringing it into the opponent's D, held off the onrushing defender and placed my shot low and sharp into the keeper's far corner. All on my useless left foot no less.

quite brilliant, even for my usual brilliant self.

We conceded a couple more silly goals along the way though i had absolutely no recollections of how those goals went in, apart from stand-in keeper Alex's imitation of Paul Robinson/Robert Green when he caught a tame shot but let it trickle across the line somehow. good stuff.

Final score: Multimedia 4 - 7 uFO with me playing a hand in all our 3 second half goals.

We all play for the team of course, unless your name starts with gay, but it's such brilliant moments sometimes that make the game special and leave lasting memories in your heart - I still remember the first goal I scored in AHS' basketball courts some 13 years ago, a series of one-twos with Jizheng on the right of the court before i slotted it pass the last man. these are the memories and unbridled joy that make you want to play the game till the day you no longer can walk.

Bid me sweet dreams in my saccharine sweat tonight

Yup i haven't showered.

My first fan

2010-06-10T00:51:00.003+08:00

I was strangely honored by the admiration of my framed up photo by a cleaning auntie at the foodcourt yesterday.

While forcing the horrible char siew rice into my mouth, she puzzlingly came over to my table - there were no dirty utensils to clear - though if she had asked for my half empty plate I would have gladly surrendered it.

She tilted her head left and right at the large photo frame on the chair before finally asking if I had shot or painted or bought it - before showering me with great gusto of admirations at my finely taken piece of art.

Sell you for $80 ah auntie.

all the blah blah blahs

2010-05-27T01:36:00.003+08:00

2 months and a few weeks - that's how long this blog hasn't been brilliant for.

blaming on the long hiatus, words ain't exactly flowing at the moment, the mind dull with atrophy.

and now, more than before, i feel the need to feed my soul.

but first, the bed beckons.

2010

2010-03-04T22:58:00.002+08:00

has been a pretty fucked up year so far.

possibly the only positively interesting thing thus far was meeting the author J.M. Coetzee on a ferry trip to Lamma Island in Hong Kong.

(before knowing who he was)
me: I've read that book - nodding towards the novel next to him, Boyhood - A Memoir

him: I'm impressed. what do you think of it.

me: I find it dark and morbid.

him: I'm the author. (and made an action of jumping out of the ferry)

me: are you sure? I dun believe.
.

In the end I still wasn't quite sure if it was really him, although he told me about a new book that he's writing and showed me the manuscript. it's about a girl who fell asleep on a train and woke up to find no one on board and yet the train was still moving. the essence was of the girl reliving her childhood dreams/memories in present moment.

that's as far as i got, before the ferry reaches Lamma Island and we took a snapshot together before parting way.

the thing that bugged me was that i didn't tell him how much i like his works, even the dark and morbid ones, like Boyhood, Duskland, the Barbarian something and The Life and Times of Michael K which i have quoted before in this blog before. and i rate him so much higher than Paulo Coelho, the reason of his mention is because their books are always placed side by side on the bookshelves.

Another day, another trip, perhaps.

2010-01-12T00:28:00.003+08:00

Hello world!

i'm still alive and functional.

an accidental glance reveals that the number of followers for this blog has dramatically doubled to two, and the two seems to be engaged in an unspoken face off to see who can go the longest without writing.

Things that i haven't done for the longest time - and would jolly well love to.

1. blog

2. write about my trips.

3. put up my backlog of photos since early last year. or is it last last year?

4. play pool

5. watch soccer at tham's

6. resume sunday soccer. or any other day

7. run

8. bowl

9. dive

10. reach work on time, before my boss and my new boss, who sits left and right of me.

In Bruges

2009-11-08T05:01:00.003+08:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780536/

It was nearly a year ago when i was travelling around Cambodia and ended up in Phnom Penh twice as part of my journey to nowhere. On the first occasion I stayed in a $3 USD 3m x 3m cubicle at a lakeside guesthouse. on the second arrival, i tried hard to avoid a guesthouse which has been syndicated by all, and i do mean all the tuk tuk and motorcycles in the bustling city, believing that something must be wrong with it. After walking around for hours with my eyes glued to my lonely planet map i finally gave in and checked myself into OK Guesthouse and demanded the cheapest $2 USD a night room.

At night after having explored a very large and practical joke called the Olympic Stadium, witnessed the single largest and unorganized mass dance i've seen in my life, warned off by a well meaning auntie and an aerobics instructor about bad boys who will rob me of my camera - i'm still at the stadium, and survived a sudden downpour, i retreated back to OK Guesthouse for dinner.

It was the kind of guesthouse with a cosy interior stacked with books and dvds, a very decent temporal lodge for a melting pot of nationalities and one Singaporean. Over dinner I set my eyes on the tv where a film was already playing and remained at the dining area still transfixed to the screen long after the last of my banana milkshake had been sucked out, and so did the rest of the United Nations. Bloody good film i thought to myself but promptly failed to register the title in my head... Tried as i did, i couldn't recall any searching clue of the films until moments ago as i browsed through imdb's top 250 again and caught the somewhat familiar looking dvd cover.

In Bruges! Written and directed by Martin McDonagh.

Lovely night.

Lovely night until i remember the incessant chattering by this fuckin retard sitting behind me while i was catching The Tunnel at Cinema Europa. For the third or fourth movie in a row i got pissed by idiots who dunno how to keep their mouth shut in cinemas. Cinemas should wage a new campaign against them.

2009-11-03T00:35:00.005+08:00

it irks me that i can't make masterpieces out of everything, yet it's the hard truth that i must face.

in fact, have i even created anything that steals your eyes for half a minute?

i wonder.

hmm.

anyway here's a bit Yogyakarta.

god's will.

2009-10-06T00:46:00.007+08:00

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_asiapacific/view/1009242/1/.html

The death toll from a week of catastrophes across Asia-Pacific neared 2,000 on Sunday as rescuers raced to reach the survivors of a series of earthquakes, tsunamis and typhoons.

"This is a test from God and we accept it, but we're angry and sad that help hasn't come,"

So are you angry with the government, or god?

if it's god's who is testing you, wouldn't god be in control of when help arrives?

Or when it doesn't arrive?

Since he is almighty, and great, and hey, god's just testing you.

And you accepted it.

If I've offended any religious souls, i'm sorry that i'm not in the least bit sorry, because it's probably god's will that he trained me as an engineer.

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_asiapacific/view/1009335/1/.html

This is a time to thank God not only for those who are lost, but the rest who are still alive

Thank god for those who are lost?

You've really lost me now.

ohhhh brilliant

2009-10-03T03:48:00.002+08:00

i have a blog, called ohh-brilliant, just that it's not so brilliant these days.

time hasn't been kind. i've been kept busy, with a seemingly endless streams of tiny conquests to achieve. some too minor for words, others mere pulses to maintain this semblance of life.

life. mine has carried on its daily business in recent time with remarkable predictability, right down to the bus - the one that means i'm late - that i catch every god damn morning.

am i still hanging on to long standing illusions? i might be. or meaningless shenanigans? most probably. could that be the self inflicted definition of my life? i'll wait for hindsight to arrive.

so that's it for now. no clever punch lines to to lift the gloom, nor brilliant last words to string all thoughts to make some sense.

a series of unfortunate events

2009-08-25T05:17:00.002+08:00

this is just about the worst night i can remember over the past 1.5 years.
i'll need to call in sick in the morning.

The favourite lad from Spain

2009-08-05T03:56:00.002+08:00

If there's one singular, defining mistake that Rafael Benitez has made in his much vaunted managing career, it would be the one made in the summer of 2008, when he attempted to sell Xabi Alonso for Gareth Barry. A Barry for an Alonso. A painter's roller for an artist's brush.

One year on, the saddest news of this summer is the one that we've pleaded so hard against, but materialize it did, and with it, departs half of our annual league ambitions.

Adios Alonso. It's gonna be a paler fields of Anfield Road.

Taking the plunge

2009-07-28T17:01:00.003+08:00

Hello blog, it's been a while hasn't it.

Occupied. That's the one word to describe my last few months of existence. No need for much details now but it's Tues and I'm home because of a virus and my new computer is down with a virus as well. Productivity is down to negative value and hopefully not too much have been infected or affected.

I'm in the midst of installing Windows 7 over my old infected XP. Let's hope it works out.

Michelin Baby Little

2009-06-02T03:05:00.004+08:00

wah lau eh

crybaby

those michelin baby arms

those strong fingers. i'll train her to pose with the tv remote next

already showing signs of being a world class couch potato

rolling good time in the crib

still working on it

2009-05-29T02:16:00.001+08:00

ah flowers.

Oh Liverpool.

2009-05-17T23:31:00.004+08:00

On the back of the penultimate game of the 2008-09 season which culminated in a 0-2 win over West Brom, and relegating them.

We played like crap today, and at one point Carragher got so pissed with Arbeloa he looked like he wanna beat the daylight out of him too, but settled for a few shoves after Alonso mediated. They are all teammates by the way. It's disappointing in the fact that we didn't get a 3rd goal. That would have been the 7th straight game we scored 3 or more goals, extending the record of 6 games from the current streak.

I dun usually do this but hey, why not. This is about the best team we've had since the swashbuckling, though sometimes just buckling, flamboyant days of '96. Here's my first XI, and prolly Rafa's too, in a 4-2-3-1 formation:

Pepe Reina

Alvaro Arbeloa, Jamie Carragher, Martin Skrtel, Emiliano Insua

Xabi Alonso, Javier Mascherano

Dirk Kuyt, Steven Gerrard, Yossi Benayoun

Fernando Torres

And good bye Sami Hyypia, it's been a pleasure.

hello again

2009-05-04T03:39:00.002+08:00

3.40am, i gotta be up and running in less than 5 hours' time. yet i dun care. scrolling through, i think i kinda miss my blog. hello hello, here's a h-u-g from the keyboard.

work has been sucking up great portions of my life, but i've been generally happy these days. and did i mention about my long trip? was a blast. hanoi, halong, cat ba, lao cai, sapa, bangkok, ayutthaya, manado, lembeh straits.. along the way i know i've touched the lives of at least a family in sapa, and seen my mimic octopus in the fabled seas of lembeh straits.

anyway in one of those self reflecting days i noted down the list of places that i've yet to account for since last year

kinabalu, lata cemeron, hk, macau, cambodia, malacca, taman negara and now vietnam thailand and indonesia. some day i'll gather enough strength and stamina to put the pics up.

but ZHIYONG UR PHOTOS ARE TAKING PRIORITY NOW, fret not.

alright, tmr looks set to be another long day of slogging and right now i'm best off tucked under the covers snoozing against rhythmic thunder from afar.

to show you that i'm really working on them

2009-05-04T03:25:00.002+08:00

A Wedding

2009-04-27T01:57:00.004+08:00

Sorry for the long wait, I'm still working on it old friend.
Dun worry, everything should be out by the time you have your wedding dinner.. haha.

and away.

2009-03-26T15:18:00.001+08:00

One up for the newly weds.
Sorrie bro, didn't have enough time on hand.

and i'm off, till 12th April.
bye folks

it is at moments after i have dreamed

2009-03-13T01:33:00.005+08:00

it is at moments after i have dreamed

it is at moments after i have dreamed
of the rare entertainment of your eyes,
when (being fool to fancy) i have deemed

with your peculiar mouth my heart made wise;
at moments when the glassy darkness holds

the genuine apparition of your smile
(it was through tears always)and silence moulds
such strangeness as was mine a little while;

moments when my once more illustrious arms
are filled with fascination, when my breast
wears the intolerant brightness of your charms:

one pierced moment whiter than the rest

-turning from the tremendous lie of sleep
i watch the roses of the day grow deep.

i really like ee cummings' poems.

i had strange dreams this morning too. the family took a plane out for a holiday, which is rare enough by itself. upon exit, we found ourselves somewhere in america. we dashed across a busy road and at the entrance of a mall, we realised that it wasn't cold at all and pulled off the jackets that we were wearing. we hailed a passing cab and the driver was malay.

.

we had fun in taman negara.

ended on a happy note.

highway to nowhere

2009-02-27T02:43:00.003+08:00

Suddenly waking up in the middle of precious sleep with parched lips and knitted brows isn't the best of things that can happen hours before embarking on another dreadful working day that lasted till after 1am the following day when most are having their distinctly different and prettier dreams.

Why were i in your car, in the backseat alone, when the car suddenly stopped in the middle of the highway and i got out to find you slumped lifeless in the seat and my frantic calling and slapping wouldn't wake you up so i looked around and shouted for help and spotted a man 20m ahead who didn't want to see me and so i stuck my head back into the car to find you vanished from where you were dead moments ago but turned my head to find you in the backseat with your eyes on me and a smirk on your face.

it was you, though it shouldn't be.

i sprang awake all knotted up and needing a drink.

now i need the bed. it's 3 bloody am yet again.

pain and its relative relativity.

2009-02-20T01:29:00.002+08:00

Caught something cool on Discovery Channel last night, as i was stoning about with another damn late dinner. Our human sensation of pain comes from signals that got sent from the source through to the spinal cords, which then jumps over a gap in the wiring called synapse before passing all over the brain; that's when we feel pain. I always know that endorphins can relieve pain but what i didn't know is that the brain can actually counter-send signals down across the synapse to effectively block out the pain signals, which is prolly what happened to me in that motorbike accidents when i was 6 and didn't really register the pain despite the gruesome wound on my ankle.

another strange thing that's happening to me is that despite being drop dead tired for the past couple weeks, i'd suddenly be wide awake and unsleepable at 1.30am. yes, unsleepable, like now.

.

19th feb.

i wore black shoes today.

Best Pictures

2009-02-15T05:02:00.004+08:00

I found out moments ago that I've watched or possess 18 out of 20 of the Academy Awards Best Pictures from the last two decades. The remaining two, Rain Man and Driving Miss Daisy, were in my hands as I was browsing through Gramaphone a week ago but I put them down for something else. No choice here it seems, but to extend my dvd spree and head back for them now. And after which, I will have over 190 titles to my name. Feeling rich.

.

Happy valentine's day, for whatever it means to you. had a good night out with my jolly diving buddies.

testing testing

2009-02-10T23:40:00.004+08:00

this looks much nicer when it's all blown up.

why i'm still up at 3am.

2009-02-04T02:54:00.001+08:00

The Reader

2009-02-04T01:01:00.003+08:00

Superb.
Walked out of the cinema feeling peaceful for once in a series of sleepless nights.

and she,
was mere an arm away.

.

i need the quiet of a midnight charm.

my new bitch.

2009-01-30T00:34:00.003+08:00

wah lau eh..

so nervous, i nearly dropped the lens while trying it at the shop.

okie zhiyong, i'm nearly ready.

oh bother

2009-01-17T03:35:00.004+08:00

Words from an old friend, once good, now mere acquaintance, somehow managed to stick themselves into my mind for some time since.

Don't trouble trouble.

i used not to make much sense out of it, or to take much heed, but these days they drift back in the form of voices in the head, in their own good time and good health.

But i did not!! trouble trouble that is; largely peaceful and quietly contemplative men don't. Rather, trouble troubles me, taking all the initiatives and without me lifting a finger at times, to the extent that my allocated quota for piss taking for the next 3 years has since been expended in putting out the arson jobs in me. and i would like to not give too much of a damn hence on.

.

on an entirely separate note, dinner with peiyi and jacq was good today. i ate parts of a cow.

taking check

2009-01-11T23:25:00.005+08:00

the year so far, sucks.

sick for the whole of the week, flu, cough, sorethroat, the whole lot. terrible time handling the mother sometimes, burnt out from putting up with things. and more things. the whole house painting affair was taxing, even though painting only starts tomorrow. buying a sofa was like fighting an expensive war. more shit at work. potentially no pay increment for the year. months on, right wrist seems permanently damaged from the stupid accident, as are my ankle and knee even though i haven't been running. can i still run? losing my new slippers en route to cambodia. lost count of the number of times i fell asleep this week with the lights on and burning the whole night, searing through the tatters of my dreams. january has been a warzone, a state of emergency. every step that i took vulnerable to igniting a land mine and i inevitably set off quite a few, so much so that at times i didn't feel like moving, or talking. silence was my safety net.
.

far too much unhappiness in the whole of my life. they sneak up on you, deal you a blow and scamper off into crevices unseen. sometimes you dun even know what wrong you have done - there might not be any - it's just fate's way of telling you that you're no more than a flick of snort.

i'd like to, for once, be happy this year, or more precisely, the remaining of this year.

fuck fate and all that shit.

atrocious

2008-12-28T23:32:00.002+08:00

overheard on the train earlier on from two co-workers who boarded and sat together:
chinese man: i want to apologise for laughing at your hair yesterday.
ah neh: okie
chinese man: see now my hair is also dropping
ah neh: uh
chinese man: i know i laughed at your hair but it's not on purpose. sorry huh.
ah neh then alighted.
.

aside to that, too many people are oblivious to their own atrocities in this screwed up world. and i hate the fact that my holiday is coming to an end in this damn manner.

ill contented

2008-12-28T04:27:00.002+08:00

it's friggin 4.30am but i dun wanna sleep. i'll quit my job and be a night-watchman instead and a bloody good one at that.

screw it all.

oh cambodia.

2008-12-19T23:39:00.003+08:00

The air tickets to Laos were too complicated and expensive to obtain at the short notice, so i settled for the next best thing and find myself in cambodia yet again today, barely two days later.

Entered from Phnom Penh and hooked up with a bus to Siem Reap. Hitting the temples trail early tomorrow morning and to more obscure places on sunday. From that brief impression that I had of PP, it looks boring and shall leave it till the final day before i fly back next week. which means more of siem reap and wherever else that i decide to go.

a year on, siem reap seems to have fallen more deeply into the clutches of the tourism vices. walking alone down the streets, tuktuk and moto drivers bugs me at every kerb and the phrase "tuktuk, massage, girl" is fast becoming familiar.

And no i'm not a japanese. i just have a nice goatee.

AMok Party Goes Tripping

2008-12-12T01:36:00.003+08:00

i laughed till i doubled over in pain, breathless, and wiped off the gay tears that were squeezed out by powerful forces within. Over nothing much in actual fact. But oh how we enthused over the absurdity of our trip and the great planning that was wrapped up in ten minutes, much of which was spent debating whether we should leave at 6 or 6.30am, or how much to bribe the polis man when we get pulled over for speeding. We picked our to-go places like we're ordering dishes off the ala-carte menu: we must find the eunauch Zheng He's memorial, and this is getting extinct, must eat, and this, this and this, and we should throw in a church. Though we'll prolly just end up watching footie over the whole weekend in Malacca.

Wiped out the remaining of the evening with an impromptu darts and table soccer and bowling session which leaves me with half an hour to pack before i hit the sack and get my ass to work in 6 hours time.

15 years and counting. AMok Party Rocks

oh thanks for that

2008-12-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

to say that i'm selfish, coming from you, is plain ridiculous.

you are nobody to judge me.

maybe next time.

2008-12-05T01:59:00.003+08:00

i know i know, for the 257th night in a row i'm supposed to be in bed but i'm not because i spent the whole night looking at ten thousand weddings photos. not because marital bliss are in the books but for a tricky decision that i've got to make.

im very honored to be asked but no.. having seen the best, the terribly lousy that destroys marriages and the average, i'd have to decline and refrain from jumping into the stream of mediocrity for now till i learn to take better photos.

okie okie not so drama. it's just ROM but still i dun wanna be remembered as the guy who took shitty photos at their fateful ceremony.

pulpy head

2008-11-21T01:06:00.003+08:00

i wanna lie down and just crash on the bed with nothing but the covers over me and the fan blowing like winter's call, to lay to rest the demons in my head who day by day gain in weight like marmalade. then i got jumped by the cockroach taunting me hence i lay in wait not in bed but like a bait, waiting for the cockroach to crawl out from behind the cupboard so that i can smash it to a pulp and jeer at what the thing formerly known as a head.

unbelievably tired. of more than work.
where are we going, all decked in black and white?

pardon me, good play

2008-11-14T01:35:00.009+08:00

what good news i have
liverpool 4, oxford 1
two was offside and one own goal
the unsuspecting young lad
wrote himself deep into the anal of history,
so many years ago.

judging by that
brilliant hindsight
who wouldn't know,
what i couldn't have known.
.

the cow with the silent bell
oh sweet brown cow
she waves with her tail
down the foggy hill
dainty steps, unsoiled hooves like twinkle toes
lest the shepherd comes to know
but silly boy he, lifts his cameo lids
what sallow eyes oh nonchalance
he chooses the brutal twilight glow

while you were gone

2008-11-10T19:01:00.003+08:00

the day which started badly ended in the worst possible way.

mum had a breakdown at work.

.

the cow with a silent bell grazes afar,
while quiet shepherd waits.

i'm tired too.

while i ponder

2008-11-10T13:38:00.002+08:00

i stubbed my right knee yesterday and later in the evening when i tried to lock it i nearly buckle over in pain. i hope it's minor. which isn't the case for the wrists. something's still pretty wrong there after 3 weeks.

someone else asked again if i ever get angry, or how i'll look when i'm angry, something to that effect.

fact is, of course i do, if you matter enough to me, just that the number of 'yous' remain far and few.

and whether the person in question sees it is another thing.

everyday i wonder if the tomorrows will still be there when we wake up.

sentences.

2008-11-06T01:16:00.003+08:00

it's been feeling like a lousy week, a tree without rustling nor fallen leaves; strangely detached.

.

[Rec] was fuckin scary. i pretended to check my phone at the scary scenes. or maybe i wasn't pretending.

Only after the movie did it dawn on me that despite the 50% off, i've still managed to spend a bomb. that was fuckin scary too.

.
i can't tell you how tired i am.

27th Oct is for Titi Camara

2008-10-27T16:09:00.004+08:00

Firstly, do not laugh or make lewd jokes about his first name.

This is for Titi Camara, a Liverpool player who i fondly remember, short-lived his Red career was. He's the kind of player we fans cry out for, who put a smile on the face of football.

I came across this writeup of him and that probably summed up the story and what most of us Liverpudlians felt
http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/blog/?p=118

and in another youtube clip that i've just watched, he's also the crazy footballer who wore two jerseys together in a game just so that he can pull one off and throw it to the fans after scoring and still have one left for the remaining of the game.

Titi we love you!!!

27th Oct also happens to be the sister's birthday, but that's not nearly as important.

Scraplife

2008-10-24T00:04:00.000+08:00

A weekend

2008-10-13T17:14:00.002+08:00

Friday. The Vagina Monologues with Zhuominish Darling. I won't do that V for peace-out sign again when having my photos taken, because V is for cheebye is for cootchie-hootch is for pukimat is for you know what. Monologues was pretty good and enlightening and sexy and even gory. Friday. Couldn't find real food around bugis. Pigged out heavily at 85 market instead. Saturday. hassled into meeting financial planner. Saturday. Donated blood again at the mobile blood drive. I wish more people will donate blood. Saturday. Diarrhea. At the end of my blood donation. Blood got distracted and slowed to a trickle while the shit was fast coming. it was agonising. Saturday. bought dinner for zm who was down with the shits too. Sunday. Soccer. Loss of blood and lots of shit couldn't keep soccer away. Not from me. Sunday. Attempted a trick with the ball. Supposed to skillfully giap the bouncing ball between my legs and do a samba dance. Managed to end up with ball under feet and fell backwards. Sprained right wrist. Sunday. Loss of blood and lots of shit and a sprained wrist couldn't keep soccer away. Not from me. Continued playing. Sunday. Headed for the Arts Singapore Exhibition. Interesting stuff. Wish I had taken arts classes more seriously when I was younger. Monday. MC for the wrist. I is Singapore's last action hero, after the venerable VR Man.

guess something

2008-10-04T03:24:00.004+08:00

the brightest stars in your eyes
couldn't show the darkest skies in mine,
nor the fool behind.

what am i?

yellowed rambles

2008-10-03T01:22:00.007+08:00

many many time ago, I actually attended the National Day Preview at the invitation of Peiyi.

graduation monkeying
and two trees

the word is lousy

2008-09-30T00:11:00.002+08:00

it has a been a lousy day,
in its own lousy way.
run away soon.

oh yay, i feel like crap.

2008-09-23T22:48:00.003+08:00

you were stolen by the night, by a stranger by my side.
i saw you by and by, seeping through holes in the sky
in the evening i await, for a morning i refuse to wake.
dawn signals the demise of our make-believe lullaby,
for reasons, that you alone decide.

Night of 21/22 Sept

2008-09-22T03:17:00.002+08:00

is strange.

i even felt at peace, for once in the longest while.

i'll go sleep over it now.

what's new

2008-09-21T16:20:00.002+08:00

A year ago at this time, i wrote the saddest entries in my blog. A year on, today, apparently nothing much has change. i'm just better at reining myself in.

Girls are rubbishy and can never be trusted.

if heaven and hell decide, for the 157th time, that they both are satisfied

2008-09-19T02:27:00.003+08:00

Illuminate the no on the vacancy sign.

too many loose-ends lying around that need wrapping up.

Today I bought a sunflower. It may never ever see the sun again.
.it is a confused sunflower.

what is this strange rash like thing on my fingers and toes? it irks me. am i diseased
now i'm so incredibly tired.

if heaven and hell decide

2008-09-16T02:37:00.002+08:00

today wasn't so good after all.

wake up

2008-09-03T02:19:00.003+08:00

Were i being totally dense tonight?

somehow, something or someone bothers me a great deal.

i suspect that i fear the unknown.

and it seems like i'm world class at screwing things up.

with faint disgust

2008-08-23T02:42:00.002+08:00

it's almost tragic, how sometimes history has a way of putting us down.
.

and when you're down, that's when fading memories get a jolt.
.

so swiftly and coldly marks the knives of yesterdays.

the birds and the eggs

2008-08-14T02:40:00.003+08:00

2.40am. instead of sleeping i'm here blogging about a colleague/friend's blog on which she wrote (a year ago):

During a phone conversation with the darling just now, he said something that goes like:

"Let's remember not to call our kid Nelson (because "鸟生蛋")

.

.

.

"And also not Nelbuson Tan (because "鸟不生蛋")

HAHAHA.

And i replied:

this comes a little late but anyway..

I had an acquaintance named Nelson Tan back in sec sch. but no one dared to laugh at him openly, because he also happens to be the biggest ah beng in our sch.

the only other ah beng (2/2) did ever punch him once though.

That was AHS circa 1997.
.

and since we're on birds, or i am, my neighbour for some unfathomable reason, keeps an ugly common mynah in a cage outside their flat.

one morning on my way to work and while waiting for the lift, i saw 3 other free mynahs - free as in both uncaged and free, no need to work - standing outside the cage, sometimes poking their beaks through the grills, chirping to the poor captive.

the scene tugged at something in me. is that love?

the morning after

2008-08-11T09:23:00.003+08:00

the air is cool under the sapling's shade; beyond shadows the sun a burning rage.

It's not about the run

2008-08-10T23:05:00.005+08:00

Today is a day when a bit of dark clouds said it all.

Perhaps i surprised myself by taking it just a bit too seriously, but then again, it's not something i can control with a flick of the switch.

It was a run that shouldn't be, and I could felt it hours before, though still I wanted it to happen. So anyway run I did, breaking off to run alone, and thanks for the resulting nipple abrasion.

In the end, everything matters enough to irk me and it shows on my usually emotionless face. not all, but enough to tell. left me somewhat impressed by your influence on me.

.

sometimes i think i'm bitter about life. looking happily optimistic is but a disguise or an escape, i can't tell. or that could be just the schizophrenic side of me. guess i'm terrific at hiding things.

.

today suck so much i feel sick now.

no need for words

2008-08-04T22:45:00.002+08:00

the longevity of memories in a sparkler's lifetime.

when spirits soar
left behind is the patient humming
of loyal nights
,
and this the state of the human heart,
i can't say i am much surprised.

.

some came as wounds of the past
who left behind blood and a scab
the deeper ones carved faint tattoos
beneath the hardened crust

you though, are like a broken bone,
a torn tendon and a ligament
nine inches scar on tattered skin
a lifetime of broken symphony

an utterance, an utter mess

2008-07-31T01:55:00.004+08:00

i may return to write a second line..

a life of decadence
of ageless nights and sudden dawns

no words would come that make sense of us
despite shuffling feet and silent cries
quick goodbyes,
save a storm.

he would, but he died.

lovely hugs

wipe tears off your back.

Square Hats

2008-07-28T15:12:00.003+08:00

25th July 2008 - Convoked

Thanks to the parents, the sister and all the friends who turned up, and those who more than just turned up.

I'm down with sinus problem today after setting up brilliant fires for the bbq at the class chalet over the weekend. along with it came another few hundred photographs from our cam-whoring sessions, which i wonder when i'll ever get to clear.

thousand of photos are currently sitting pretty in my laptop.. friends have since gave up baying for my blood and pics. i think i ought to apply for compassionate leave to settle them once and for all.

suck it in and out

2008-07-16T00:22:00.003+08:00

do you sometimes feel like you're just a time-filler? or treated somebody like one?

*enters taylor hicks down the aisle, on the harmonica, playing the blues*

serenade me

hello hello? tic tac toh

2008-07-14T23:55:00.005+08:00

Spasmodic Dysphonia.
This could be what I have. My low rumbling mutter, moulded out of necessity to disguise from it. will pay a visit to the specialist one of these days. Call them mumbles, call them rumbles, I have careless whispers if you would listen.

10 km Nike human race on 31st Aug, 21 km army half marathon the week after, the organisers are a bunch of asses. I've been wanting to do a proper 21km for ages but my troublesome left knee ligament is a wuss. maybe it will snap into two if i push it again. but what the hell. creaking left shoulder from the inability to sleep on the right, on the side away from memories and a murky wall, bumps and bruises from the friendly chaps at sunday soccer.. and that's enough for now.
.

the moment was lying on the ground, waiting to be stepped on.
tell me johndoe, what the fuck have you been doing?
.

and we made it down for diana's convo after a day of very long walks.

yet a year ago i missed the most important of them all. AY 2006-07 was the academic year filled with a lifetime of mistakes.

lesser than it is

2008-07-08T00:57:00.004+08:00

sometimes i think my photos are utterly lifeless.

.

who's that from fremont, california? hello hello?
pam? drop me a msg yeah.

no matter

2008-07-05T02:20:00.004+08:00

rustic villages in cambodia, the ethereal angkor wat, splendid sparkling milky way, standing above a ball of rising cloud, dipping into waterfalls, being halted by a koala bear in the middle of a mountain road in the middle of the night, flying amongst coral gardens with giant green turtles, slurping roasted goose noodles along an empty wintry road, flailing my arms upon breathless canvas of mountain top views, .. or the image of you.

The moment, that moment, is the only, and we can never go back, no matter whim or will.

flutters

2008-07-01T09:53:00.002+08:00

It will rain,
The sky black as night.
Tug, tug.
Must I coldly cut my kite?

I got it..

2008-06-25T01:05:00.006+08:00

long ago, when you boarded the train without me.

but if you see an old man like him, many years down the road, that could still be me.

silent, behind the yellow line.

This is not an aquarium

2008-06-24T02:24:00.003+08:00

don't

2008-06-18T01:18:00.007+08:00

it's more merciful to swim with fishes in the ocean, than to see them struggle for life while lynched by your hook.

words for thought

2008-06-15T21:53:00.002+08:00

"... and addiction in the end is a surer bond than love."

Coetzee, Dusklands.

which got me thinking.

.

Sundays are becoming / have been a part of the week sucked into an anonymous void. apart from the morning kickabout which i performed with great clarity and awareness, the rest of the day have regularly been stolen by the crushing humidity of sundays, aptly named i now realised, upon which i often meekly surrender while lying prostrate on the bed, not daring to provoke the heat that feeds on me, or by my own seeming inability to do anything even as I watch the hands of my clock make a mad dash across the yellowed face.

I have much photos to return to.

sparkles in my eyes

2008-06-13T02:06:00.007+08:00

i would have brought you up here, on top of the world, to make you fall in love with me once more,

and watch the colours changing hues, our sky a china blue.

wistful achings

2008-06-12T04:30:00.001+08:00

i'm back, and the world around me did not change.

so why think, or wait?

I'm off again

2008-06-06T11:20:00.002+08:00

Running off to the much awaited Kota Kinabalu trip.
Up the tallest peak in Southeast Asia, then diving into the bottoms of the Tungku Abdul Rahman Marine Park.. Gimme some good weather.

you may start missing me.